My day is dragging until my phone rings, jolting me out of my meditative procrastination. It’s my school friend, breaking the news that she’s about to meet a guy her parents picked for her through an arranged marriage setup. She’s nervous—and understandably so. My friend, who’s never dated anyone and is just too straightforward for this chaotic world, is looking to me for advice. Cue my transformation into the wise, know-it-all aunty-ji of our group, dishing out the checklist of what she should ask, consider, and evaluate.
“So, Jazz,” (let’s assume this is what I call her), “make sure you ask him about intimacy. Maybe not too directly, but at least get a sense of how he views its importance. It’s worth knowing.”
“But why?” she asks. “I don’t think that should be a priority. I’ll check if he’s loving, caring, respects me and my family, and is financially stable. Why would I even think about intimacy or discuss anything sexual before marriage?”
Her response, so simple and direct, sends me into a spiral of thoughts. She’s not wrong, technically—but then why all the fuss about sexual compatibility? Why does sex even matter in a relationship where love supposedly conquers all? In a bond where you share every high and low, why does intimacy hold such weight?
What is Sexual Love?
Sex - yes, the “scandalous” word that society can’t seem to talk about without layering it with a heavy dose of morality. Casual hookups? Tsk tsk. Consenting adults exploring chemistry outside of long-term promises? Heaven forbid! Meanwhile, long-term, “meaningful” relationships get a gold star of approval from the moral police. But here’s the question: why does sex matter so much in relationships?
Irvin Singer’s Meaning in Life- Pursuit of Love - divides sexual love into three distinct though overlapping elements: the libidinal, the erotic, and the romantic. She argues that sexual love is a condition that unifies all three of these dispositions. Basically, the three can often overlap. But it is also common to confuse romantic love and sex.
Sexual love isn’t just about doing the deed—it’s about the emotional and physical connection that intimacy brings to a relationship. It’s the unspoken language of touch, the chemistry that words can’t convey, and yes, sometimes it’s just plain fun. But more than that, it’s a way to foster trust, build vulnerability, and deepen bonds. No, it’s not the only foundation of a relationship (thank God, or we’d all be in trouble), but let’s not pretend it’s an optional side dish either.
The Role of Sex in Relationships
Is sex in relationships really important? The answer isn’t as simple as you may imagine.
Sex and relationship isn’t just about physical connection; it’s about emotional harmony, trust, and seeing your partner as a true equal—what Philosopher Martin Buber called the “I-Thou” relationship. In this dynamic, both partners show up wholeheartedly, respecting each other as individuals while sharing an intimate bond. When things click, love and sex blend seamlessly, strengthening the relationship. And when conflicts arise (because let’s be real, they do), open communication during those tricky moments can help patch things up and even deepen the connection.
Now, contrast this with the “I-It” relationship—a setup where sex becomes transactional, like a means to gain control, security, or independence. Here, the intimacy fades, leaving one partner dominating, complying, or avoiding entirely. Not exactly #RelationshipGoals, right?
The bottom line? Sex matters because it fosters a deep, mutual connection when built on respect and emotional openness. It’s not just an act; it’s a language of love that keeps couples feeling seen, valued, and connected. Moving from a surface-level “I-It” dynamic to a soulful “I-Thou” bond is the ultimate goal—and worth every bit of effort. Research shows that when couples link sexual intimacy with genuine affection, it boosts their individual well-being and strengthens their relationship over time. Nonverbal intimacy acts—like touch—also play a key role. These moments of connection go beyond the act itself, which are especially important in today’s digital age.
Love vs. Sex: Are They Separate or Interconnected?
Love and sex: are they really worlds apart, or just two sides of the same coin? People often say love is all about emotions and sex is just physical, but here is the thing—they’re more connected than we give them credit for. Sex can deepen emotional intimacy, while love makes sex feel more meaningful. Science backs it up too! When we’re physically close, our bodies release feel-good hormones like oxytocin, strengthening that bond.
Then there’s the cultural drama. Society loves to put love on a pedestal while treating sex like it’s a guilty pleasure. But the truth is, the two often work together, not against each other. Think about it: casual hookups might be fun in the moment, but they don’t always leave you feeling fulfilled. And love without any sexual connection? That can create its own set of frustrations.
At the end of the day, sex and relationships aren’t enemies—they’re partners in building a deeper connection. Whether it’s through shared emotions, physical intimacy, or a mix of both, they’re essential ingredients to creating a relationship that truly thrives.
Love changes the effects of engaging in sex. Sex can boost well-being, but this link is strongest in the context of love. Research shows that the association between the frequency of sex and important metrics of well-being (e.g., life satisfaction, positive emotions/mood) depends in part on affection. Affection is a positive other-oriented emotion that involves care and concern- it is more love-oriented than purely lust-oriented.
How Sexual Love Evolves in a Relationship
One can naturally think about how sexual love evolves in a relationship. Once again, there is no one-size-fits-all approach. There should be some attraction for any relationship to begin - but that does not necessarily have to be physical.
Harville Hendrix—a renowned relationship expert and creator of Imago Relationship Therapy—describes the journey of relationships through five key stages: Romantic Love, Power Struggle, Re-commitment, Doing the Work, and Awakening. His research highlights how sexual love evolves alongside these stages, shifting from raw passion to a deeper, more meaningful connection.
- Romantic Love: In the beginning, it’s all about chemistry. Lowered inhibitions, excitement, and pheromones fuel a passionate connection. You’re showing your best selves and exploring each other in every way.
- The Power Struggle: Reality sets in. Familiar routines and differences in desires can create tension—think “same place, same time” vibes. This stage often sees partners blaming each other or demanding changes to reignite—or cool down—their passion.
- Re-commitment: Choosing to stay means redefining what sex and intimacy mean in your relationship. It’s about rebuilding connection and working together to make it fulfilling for both partners.
- Doing the Work: Here, the focus shifts to self-awareness and communication. You learn to express your needs, embrace imperfections, and see intimacy as more than just physical acts.
- Awakening: Finally, sexual love reaches its most evolved form: a confident, authentic connection. It’s about being truly seen, accepted, and connected on every level.
Hendrix’s insights remind us that the ebb and flow of sexual love is normal. Each stage offers a chance to grow and deepen your bond.
Defining Love in a Relationship
Now how do we define love in a relationship? Love in a relationship is like the foundation of a house—without it, everything else crumbles. But what is love, really? Beyond the rom-com fantasies and poetic declarations, love in a relationship is about connection, trust, and mutual care. It’s the glue that holds two people together through the highs and lows. According to psychologist Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, love has three key components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. When these three align, you’ve hit the jackpot—a full-fledged, healthy relationship. But love isn’t static; it evolves. That early rush of butterflies often gives way to a calmer, deeper connection, the kind that grows as partners truly see and accept each other.
Love is also about choosing your partner daily, even when they’re driving you up the wall. It’s the conscious decision to nurture the relationship, to communicate, and to show up. And let’s not forget: love isn’t always flashy. Sometimes, it’s in the quiet moments—the shared laughs, the comfort in silence, or the way they remember your coffee order.
Sex and Relationships: The Balance of Emotional and Physical Connections
If love is the foundation, sex is often the electricity—it keeps the spark alive and the connection flowing. But let’s not sugarcoat it—keeping the balance between emotional and physical connections can be tricky. Busy schedules, stress, or mismatched libidos can strain even the best relationships. The key is to see sex as a form of communication, not just a physical activity. It’s about expressing care, desire, and affection, even when things aren’t perfect. Expanding your definition of intimacy to include touch, cuddling, or even meaningful conversations can keep the connection strong when life gets hectic. Sex isn’t the only language of love, but it’s a pretty powerful one when balanced with emotional intimacy.
So what did we learn today? Love and sex are linked, but they aren’t the same. Love gives you emotional security, while sex adds that spark to keep things exciting. Together, they create a cycle—emotional closeness fuels physical intimacy, and physical intimacy strengthens emotional bonds.
Harville Hendrix’s research shows how sexual love changes over time, from wild passion to something deeper and more real. Each stage of a relationship offers a chance to grow closer and build trust. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth the effort.
The secret? Balancing both sides—emotional connection and physical chemistry. It takes communication, respect, and patience to make it work. But when love and sex come together, they create a connection that lasts. Like the perfect playlist, it’s about finding your rhythm.
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FAQs on the Role of Sexual Love in Relationships
What is the difference between love and sexual love?
Love is about emotional connection, care, and trust. Sexual love adds physical intimacy to the mix, deepening the bond through passion and vulnerability. Think of love as the foundation and sexual love as the spark.
Can a relationship survive without sexual intimacy?
Yes, but it depends on the couple. For some, emotional connection is enough. For others, the absence of physical intimacy can create distance. Open communication is key to navigating this.
How does sexual love affect emotional connection?
Sexual intimacy boosts emotional bonds by releasing “feel-good” hormones like oxytocin, which builds trust and closeness. It’s like an emotional glue that keeps partners connected.
Is it possible to love someone without feeling a sexual attraction?
Absolutely! Platonic love is a real and meaningful connection. Romantic relationships, however, often thrive when love and sexual attraction coexist.
Why is it important to balance sex and love in a relationship?
Love provides stability, while sex keeps the relationship exciting. Together, they create a healthy dynamic, ensuring both partners feel emotionally and physically fulfilled.
How can couples improve sexual intimacy in long-term relationships?
Focus on communication—talk about needs and desires. Try new experiences, spend quality time together, and prioritize physical affection, even outside of sex.
What does it mean to be in a "sexless relationship" and how common is it?
A sexless relationship typically means having little to no sexual activity over time. It’s more common than you think—research suggests that about 15–20% of couples experience this, especially in long-term partnerships.
Written by Disha
Bio: Disha (she/her) believes she's half therapist because people spill their guts to her with ease. But for now, she's writing sassy pieces on the internet about all things fun and pop culture. With a flair for wit and a curious spirit, she is all about digging into the saucy details of human intimacy.
