Alright, let’s talk about some kinky biz. Yup, I said it. Why is it that trying to know more about it feels like we’re sneaking past strict desi parents? Why is it that our society’s made us treat this stuff like it’s some forbidden fruit that’ll get us punished (and not in a good way you’re thinking of)?
But babygirl, it’s totally normal. It’s natural. And honestly, we deserve to know about it without feeling like we’re doing something shady.
So, let’s own our curiosity. It’s 2024, babe, let’s get educated, loud, and proud about our desires.
Before getting into the questions you have, what even are kinks and fetishes?
Kinks and fetishes might seem like twinsies, but they’re not. Yes, they sometimes overlap. No wonder they’re so often mixed up - most of us love a little combo platter of both!
What is kink?
Simply put, kink is any hot stuff that strays from the ol’ vanilla routine and dives into the land of spicy experimentation. It’s a broad umbrella, covering everything from playful spanking to elaborate role-playing fantasies. Basically, if it makes you go, “Hmm, interesting and out of the routine,” it probably counts as kink.
Here’s the cool part: kinks are as personal as your Spotify playlist. For some, dirty talk or a sneaky little sex toy might be the kinkiest thing ever, while others think, “Honey, that’s my regular Saturday.” What’s wild to one person might be totally chill for another - and that’s the beauty of it. There’s no one huge list of kinks, it’s whatever sprinkles your sundae.
What is fetish?
It’s a strong attraction to a specific object, body part, or activity that has to be in the mix for things to really hit that high unimaginable note. The objects can be stilettos or latex bodysuits, or the body parts can be feet, or even tongues. It’s whatever gets your motor running the loudest.
Because these things don’t pop up in your average “birds and bees” chat or that awkward TikTok sex-ed scroll, it’s normal to have a million questions. Is it normal? Does everyone secretly have one? Should I Google it in incognito mode? Don’t worry, I got you.
Firstly, what are some of the most common kinks?
Fetishes come in all flavors, from the popular to the downright unexpected.
Common ones include feet (high arches and painted toes steal hearts worldwide), shoes (stilettos and boots scream power), latex (think sleek, second-skin vibes), furry fantasies (embracing animal-human hybrids like Bugs Bunny), and even food play.
Where do kinks come from? How do we develop such different ones? Are they hereditary in any way?
Kinks aren’t exactly something you inherit like your dad’s height or your mom’s curls. Nope, they’re more like a personalized playlist your brain curates based on life’s wild mix of experiences. Sure, some people might naturally have certain kinks, but most of the time, they’re shaped by a combo of personal experiences, cultural taam jhaam, and those early-life moments that wire up your deepest desires.
One way kinks come up is from childhood. If someone’s into being the center of attention, it could be because they didn’t get enough attention as a kid, so now they’re craving it in their adult relationships. Or, think of a toddler sitting by his mom’s feet while playing with his toy. Over time, he connects those happy memories to women’s shoes, and bam - a foot fetish is born.
Kinks can also pop up later in life. This happens when our brain links a non-sexual object or situation to a sexual context. Imagine having the most unforgettable solo sesh on a red couch. Now, every time you see a red couch, your brain’s like, "Oh hey, remember that?" - and suddenly, red couches have a whole new meaning.
What are some ways to deal with feeling ashamed about having a particular fetish? How do I get over this feeling of doing something unnatural?
Girl, it’s not you - it’s society being all judgy as hell. In a world obsessed with labeling everything ‘normal,’ anything spicier than vanilla gets side-eyed. But tbh, your fantasies aren’t weird or unnatural. They’re as timeless as love songs and heartbreaks. You’re not just normal; you’re part of a long history of people exploring what turns them on. Own it!
If the shame is hitting like a ton of bricks, finding a community can help. Whether it’s Reddit threads, Facebook groups, or IRL fetish parties, there are spaces where you can jam with people who get it.
If you’re still feeling the guilt gremlins, a therapist or sex coach can work wonders too. They help you unpack those feelings and explore your desires without judgment. They’ll even give you pro tips on keeping it safe and consensual.
Your pleasure is 100% valid, so don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise!
How to bring up kinks and fetishes with a new partner?
Yeah, it can feel like walking a tightrope in your undies, but absolutely no cap, it’s so worth it. Step one: embrace the awkward. Being vulnerable is key. Show up authentically and co-create a sex life that’s more “OMG yes” and less “meh.”
So, take a deep breath, recognize the vulnerability, and focus on the amazing things that could come from taking one step!
What to do if your partner really isn’t into it?
No biggie! Not everyone’s going to be into the same things, and that’s totally normal. Have a chill, honest convo about it. No pressure, No shame. Just remember, shaming them for not being into it or coercing them into doing what you want? Not the move. Respect their boundaries and preferences while still staying true to yours.
If you’re both on different pages, there’s still hope. You can get creative about how to bring your fetish into the relationship without pushing your partner’s boundaries. For example, if you’re all about golden showers and they’re not into it, maybe ask if they’d be cool with you watching some related porn together.
Another option? Play around and experiment with what you both enjoy. You never know - you might discover a whole new kink or fetish that works amazeballs for both of you!
Alright, so while these are the big questions everyone’s asking, I had to dig deeper into what’s REALLY buzzing on the internet. So, I went full-on Reddit mode to stalk what people are asking. And because I’m that friend, I hit up my squad to check on the questions that were popping into their heads. Trust me, the curiosity is real and it's about to get interesting!
“My girlfriend wants to be adventurous and I want to make her happy. I’m open to trying it, but I’m genuinely nervous as well. How should I deal with it?”
Okay, first off, big props for wanting to make her happy and being open to trying something out of your usual zone. Trying something new, even non-sexual stuff always brings some kind of nervousness. The key here is communication - you’ve got to be comfy with each other. Tell her how you’re feeling, share the nerves, and let her know this is new for you.
When you get to it, start small, fam. You don’t need to go from 0 to 100 in one go. Test the waters, dip your toes. Don’t dive straight in. Every step you take, chat about how you’re feeling. Keep that convo going so both of you feel safe and excited about what’s next.
“I’m a straight woman, but I enjoy watching lesbian porn. I’ve never had any sexual feelings towards women. What does that mean?”
A lot of straight women enjoy lesbian porn, and honestly, it's more common than you'd think. It’s all about fantasy. Sometimes, the idea of seeing two women get it on is just super hot to imagine, even if it’s not something you want to experience IRL. It’s like a sexy little escape, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Now, the reason you might find lesbian porn hotter is that straight porn is often made for the male gaze, focusing more on the dude’s pleasure and leaving out the juicy, sensual female moments. But with lesbian porn, it’s different. You see women giving and receiving pleasure, which is more relatable for a lot of women. Plus, it’s easier to fantasize about being in those shoes (or, without them!)
Also, many women find lesbian porn a lot less intimidating than hetero porn. Straight porn can sometimes feel a bit cringe with the overly macho vibes, whereas lesbian porn tends to have less of that male dominance energy and more of a sensual, woman-on-woman connection. So if you're into it, you're definitely not the only one, and it’s just another way of exploring your fantasies!
“I’m actually a very very independent woman. I do not understand why I enjoy bondage and submission. It doesn’t match with my personality at all!”
So, you’re a super independent boss babe, always in control at work, at home, and in your friend circle. But even the strongest, most in-control people sometimes crave a break from being the decision-maker. Enjoying bondage and submission doesn’t clash with your personality; it’s just your brain wanting a little escape from the “I’ve got this” mode. Letting someone else (someone you fully trust, obvio) take the reins can be a way to hit pause on the constant responsibility and just... surrender.
I feel you on this one. Trust me, I’m always the one running the show in every aspect of my life, too, and that’s why I actually love being in situations where I can just relax and let someone else handle it. It’s freeing for me, and it gives me that balance that I never knew I needed.
“Me and my partner want to give threesome a shot - and are very excited about trying it out. However, we are very scared that it might evoke feelings of jealousy. Any suggestions?”
It’s awesome that you’re so excited but also cautious. Props for being proactive! The golden rule here? Communication, baby. Before jumping into the action, have a good ol’ heart-to-heart with your partner.
Close your eyes and visualize how you’d want this to go down. Play out the scenarios in your head. What feels exciting? What feels like a no-go? Maybe you’re cool with other things - but not your boo penetrating someone else? If so, set that as a boundary from the start.
If you start feeling a little sidelined mid-action, remember, it’s not your partner’s intention to ignore you. A playful “Hey, save some of that for me!” or gently joining in with a touch or a cheeky compliment can shift your boo back to include you.
And hey, if things start feeling a bit too intense, it’s completely okay to hit pause. Step out, grab a drink, or just take a moment to breathe and gather your thoughts. There’s no shame in saying, “Hey, I need a quick break.” Your partner’s there for you, so speak up if you’re overwhelmed. Sometimes, a quick reset is all you need to jump back in with fresh energy!
Once the action wraps up, it’s time for the all-important post-threesome debrief. Snuggle up, and chat it out - how did it feel for both of you? Was it as steamy as you imagined, or did something feel off? This is your moment to share the highs, laugh about any awkward bits, and figure out if there’s a round two (or decide it’s a one-and-done thing). And hey, if it didn’t hit the mark, no sweat. Trying it out doesn’t mean it has to be a regular thing. Figure out what works for both of you.
Got some more burning questions or something that you’re dying to know more about? Slide into our DMs or drop us a message! Who knows, we might just whip up an extra juicy part 2, or maybe even a full-blown article dedicated to all your what-ifs and how-tos. Okay, love you, bye. XOXO
Let’s not forget the game-changers in the bedroom—sex toys, water based lube, and vibrators. They’re like the spice rack for your intimate life, adding flavor and variety to every encounter. Whether you’re diving into solo play or leveling up with your partner, these tools are perfect for exploring and enhancing your desires. Plus, they make experimenting with kinks and fetishes a whole lot easier and more enjoyable. Don’t hold back—stay curious and explore your options!
Also, check out our blogs on Understanding slow sex and what is a kink and its types to improve your knowledge of sexual health.
About the Author:
Hemali (she/her) is an explorer of the realms of sexuality, intimacy, and dating. She talks endlessly about the evolving landscape of feminist narratives on the big screen and makes you reanalyze the portrayal of women in mainstream culture. If you're looking for alternative conversation starters, take your pick from: Biryani, Art Fairs, or Spoken Word Poetry.
