If you have watched Bridgerton, you’d know that the sexual tension between Kate and Anthony was so perceivable that it could have been cut through a knife. The subtle hand brushes; the almost touching of lips; Anthony breathing the scent of Kate’s neck; and my personal favourite – the stolen glances in rooms full of crowd.
The gradual building of their chemistry clubbed with the forbidden fruit effect was enough for the viewers to know that the intimacy between them would be nothing less than hot and steamy.
Almost all the rom-coms would have you believe that the first step towards having a strong intimate bond starts with prominent sexual tension in the air. The tension arising from the heated arguments, undignified comments and even in the midst of deception there is an inanimate feeling that there is more to be read in between the lines.
But is sexual tension a good measure for sexual intimacy?
As I see, there are two elements to having a good sex life: the technicalities and the chemistry. A person who is good in bed, invariably is good with technics – knows not to stick their tongue in their beloved’s mouth but to gently swirl it, leverages sex toys to help reach an orgasm, quickly learns what turns the other person on and unabashedly acts on it, takes feedbacks and is keen to give as much as they are to receive.
Despite the mastery in technicalities, there is always a chance that the sexual partner’s expectations are not entirely met and is left seeking more… perhaps the need for attraction? Even if the execution is perfect, there is a need for sexual chemistry.
The act becomes a lot more satisfying when you are also emotionally invested in the person. It makes you naturally want to grab them and plant a kiss not because of their beautiful lips but for what they mean to you as a person. The sex is undoubtedly more fulfilling when there is chemistry. The technicalities can be taught, like everything in life, it's trial and error, but the attraction towards someone has to come from within.
The chemistry stands to make up for the lack of technicalities. It ignites curiosity in discovering each other’s pleasure spots. The feeling of familiarity gives way to letting your guard down and being comfortable with each other. But without chemistry, the technicalities are the only skill to rely on.
While V, 24, female, believes that there is no way she’d be willing to have sex without chemistry, her partner S, 25, male, says: “I think we give too much importance to chemistry. It is overrated, in my opinion. If I want to have sex with someone, I don’t need to have a build up like in movies. I only have to like and respect them.” In contrast, “for me, the intimate relationship will only be stronger if there is immense sexual desire towards my partner. The tension in itself is like foreplay to me,” V adds.
In a conversation with a few friends, I realised that intense attraction towards someone with symptoms of sexual chemistry such as increased heart rate, belly butterflies, flushed skin and dilated pupils can also become intoxicating and obsessive. The constant needs to chase these feelings can affect one’s mental health.
“When I first had sex with my husband, I wasn’t that attracted to him, yet, I felt my intimate needs being fulfilled. For me, emotional and mental connection is as important as physical to have a fulfilling sex life. And that does not necessarily include wanting to jump my husband’s bone everytime he walks out the shower naked,” says R, 32, female from Mumbai.
While the jury is still out on whether sexual chemistry is important to have a successful intimate life, it’s safe to say that the one common element to achieve either remains: the desire to be held and touched. Without the need for affection, neither the sexual tension nor the sexual intimacy will thrive.
To expand your knowledge on sex, check out our blogs on “What is vaginal sex” and ”Tips to have the best phone sex”.
About the Author
Questions and concerns about sex have been brewing in Moh Maya’s (she/her) head since she was 10. So she finds it fitting to document the intricacies of sexuality here and in her half-written chapters of a book on love lives of young women from India’s urban and rural spaces. She can be found observing and photographing everyday lives in the neighbourhoods of Mumbai.
