Have you experienced something like this? Every time you try to watch porn, your mind takes a detour to a place you’d rather avoid: imagining your ex with their new partner. Talk about a mood killer. Instead of getting in the zone, you are stuck picturing them together, and it drives you nuts knowing they might be getting it on with someone else. It's like a twisted mental block that ruins any chance of enjoying yourself and moving on.
Maybe it sounds a bit off the wall, but you are not the only one who's been there.
“It almost feels like I am starting to move on, I swear—no more chest-tightening agony during the day. But the second I try to unwind with a little solo session, jealousy and frustration crash the party. I mean, he was my first, and I was his. I thought what we had was special, something he wouldn’t want to share with anyone else. Yet here I am, overwhelmed by the thought that our once-special connection is now being replayed with someone new”, shares Radhika, a friend, who got out of an old relationship a couple of months ago.
Welcome to the world of 'Sadsturbation,' where post-breakup blues hijack your alone time and leave you wondering if you'll ever get your groove back.
Breakups really hit hard, messing with your head in all sorts of ways. It's not just about feeling sad; it can mess with your body too. Suddenly, being close to someone like you used to feels impossible. Maybe you've seen those silly videos on Instagram about how everything reminds you of your ex. But behind the humor, it's a sad truth for lots of folks. Even trying to enjoy yourself solo can be tough.
According to attachment theory, our primary relationships shape how we connect and detach. When a significant relationship ends, it can trigger feelings of abandonment and insecurity, making it difficult to enjoy solo sexual activities. Psychologists and behavioural scientists weigh in on how these are valid emotions.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute, highlights that our brains create strong cognitive associations between sexual pleasure and our partners. After a breakup, these associations don't disappear overnight, leading to involuntary thoughts of an ex during masturbation.
So how do you deal with them?
If you're finding it hard to masturbate without being overwhelmed by thoughts of your ex, you're not alone. Here are some tips to help you get back in the groove and reclaim your solo sessions.
Create a New Fantasy Space
It is really important to get out of those past memories, and for that first, you need to shift the focus. Instead of dwelling on past memories, try to create new fantasies. Focus on people or scenarios that excite you but aren't tied to your ex. Imagine scenarios with people you admire or dream about—maybe it's that cute cafe owner with the charming smile or a fictional character who gets your heart racing. Or maybe a fantasy about meeting a beautiful stranger in a city you've always wanted to visit, like Paris or Tokyo. Just tossing around some ideas. Sometimes, reading or listening to erotic stories can help divert your mind from visual triggers that remind you of your ex too.
Redecorate Your Space
If your usual spot for solo play brings back memories of your ex, try a different location. Redecorate or rearrange your room to create a fresh environment. Try introducing new scents, sounds, or lighting to change the atmosphere. Essential oils, candles, and soothing music can create a new vibe.
After refreshing your physical space, it's time to spice up the sexual vibe. Start by diversifying your media. Ditch the old, familiar adult content that reminds you of your ex and explore new genres or styles you haven't considered before. Think of it as a sexual adventure—try out everything from romantic erotica to more playful or artistic content. Also, consider subscribing to a new adult content platform that offers a variety of perspectives and fresh, diverse material. This not only broadens your horizons but also helps you discover what truly excites you now.
For example, a friend of mine swears by her subscription to Bellesa, a female pleasure-oriented adult website. Her ex was selfish in bed, never reciprocating the pleasure she gave him. After the breakup, exploring Bellesa was a game-changer. Watching women get the pleasure they deserve transformed her mindset and helped her reclaim her sexual confidence. So, why not try something new and empowering? It could be just what you need to reignite your solo sessions. Spend time exploring your own body without the pressure of reaching a climax. Learn what feels good for you now, independent of past experiences.
Self-care is sexy!
As we always emphasise in our other blogs, prioritising yourself and taking care of your health is never out of fashion—whether through a good diet, regular exercise, or indulging in things that bring you joy. Self-love is a crucial part of this journey, encompassing not just physical and mental health, but also sexual wellness. Incorporating sex toys into your self-care routine can be a game-changer. These tools are designed to explore and enhance your pleasure, helping you discover new sensations and boosting your sexual confidence. Embracing this form of self-care can also be a delightful part of your wellness routine, adding a spark of joy and satisfaction to your life.
Self-care is so important, and we've got just the thing for you: the Self Smitten Gift Box, specially curated by us. It's all about treating yourself, and with our 100% discreet packaging & shipping, pampering yourself is now oh-so-easy!
So indulge in some self-love, maybe light your favorite scented candle, put on some tunes you love, and just dive in. Hopefully, this will set the perfect mood for a great solo session.
Patience is the key
However much we say, these things can look easier said than done. Healing takes time and you don't have to pressure yourself to feel ready immediately. Allow yourself the space to grieve and process your emotions.
Psychologists suggest a few strategies to navigate Sadsturbation with grace. Firstly, there's mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which help in staying present and reshaping negative thought patterns. Gradual exposure to solo activities, while consciously redirecting thoughts, can gradually recondition the mind. Emphasising self-compassion and allowing oneself time to heal are essential for overall well-being. So, take it easy on yourself, focus on self-care, and give yourself the space needed to bounce back stronger.
And when you’re finding it difficult to deal with those overwhelming emotions, seek support. Sometimes talking to a friend or a therapist can help you work through your feelings and get a fresh perspective. Online forums and communities can offer support and advice from others who have been through similar experiences.
Sadsturbation is just your body's way of coping with the rollercoaster of emotions after a breakup. But fear not! Understanding the psychological and neurochemical stuff behind it all can be your secret weapon for getting through this rough patch and eventually reclaiming that solo pleasure. Remember, getting back into the swing of things after a breakup is a journey, not a race. Be kind to yourself, and take the time you need to rediscover your solo pleasure.
Now that you've read about overcoming sadsturbation, check out our other blogs to improve your knowledge on related topics. From self-love tips to sexual wellness advice, we've got a wealth of information to support your journey to better mental, physical, and sexual health. Chek out our blogs on "what is vaginal sex" and "tips to have the best phone sex" for more insightful content.
About the author
Disha (she/her) believes she's half therapist because people spill their guts to her with ease. But for now, she's writing sassy pieces on the internet about all things fun and pop culture. With a flair for wit and a curious spirit, she is all about digging into the saucy details of human intimacy.
