I sometimes think of marriage as a long Bollywood movie. There’s romance, drama, a lot of ups and downs, some serious plot twists, and of course, also an interval.
You start off as the couple who can’t keep their hands off each other, but a few years (or months!) down the line, you’re basically roommates just living together. There’s no masala kisses anymore.
Why is this even happening? And an even more important question - how do you bring it back from here to the happy lovey dovey romance?
What Studies Show About Married Couples and Sex Frequency
Let’s drop a little tea - and some facts. A 2015 study served the connection between marriage and sex: couples who hit the sheets once a week are apparently the happiest. Yep, a lot of other studies too, stamped once a week as the magic number. And then, there were a few others who toned it down, saying three times a month is the average for healthy couples.
But did anyone ask us desis? Nope. These studies totally skipped our Bollywood-fueled spicy joint family dynamics, and all the sheer hustle of Indian life. Our style may just be Maahi Vey different. Maybe our magic number is a little more Netflix-and-chai than Netflix-and-chill. Who knows!
But here’s an even bigger catch: How Much Do These Numbers Really Even Matter?
Let’s cut the stats talk for a sec. Are you seriously gonna stress if your calendar doesn’t scream ‘Weekly Married Sex Goal Time’? Nah. Whether you’re doing it twice a month or having an 11-times a week marathon (respect if you are), what actually counts is how you and your boo feel about it.
Experts have also increasingly started spilling that there’s no one-size-fits-all for a banging sex life. Satisfaction > Stats. So whether it’s full-on steamy sessions or just spooning, it’s the emotional connection that really scores.
If you’re spiraling about being “normal,” here’s your cheat code: Normal is whatever feels good for YOU TWO. Claim your bed and your own definition of marriage and sex.
Factors That Influence Sex Frequency in Marriage
Age isn’t Just a Number :
As the years stack up, the “let’s get it on” playlist might not be on repeat as much. Blame it on the health and hormonal curveballs life loves to throw. Menopause can hit pause on the mood, pregnancy can make you feel like a magical yet exhausted goddess, and periods can just… not help. Guys aren’t off the hook either, with low testosterone levels now kicking in.
Adulting is exhausting and tough, and sometimes the couch is just way too seductive.
Stress Be Stressin’ :
Ever been so overwhelmed that the idea of getting frisky sounds as fun as filing taxes? Yeah, been there. Stress is a buzzkill, a full-on libido thief. It messes with your mind, leaves you snappy or zoned out. Oh, let’s not forget the headaches, and that never-ending cortisol circus that turns your body into a war zone.
Body Confidence Woes :
Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of myself - in a crop top, or when I’m bloated - and I know that I don’t want anyone to see me today. Body image issues can sneak in and crash the moaning mood. Suddenly, the thought of getting naked feels less like an invitation and more like a dare. When shame or self-doubt show up, my sexual confidence tends to peace out. Does this ever happen to you too?
Life is a Cockblocker :
Between crushing deadlines, never-ending laundry, and family drama, sex can start feeling like one more thing on your never-ending to-do list. By the time you hit the bed, you’re running on 2% battery, and honestly? Sleep sounds so much sexier than sex.
The Tech Block :
Raise your hand if you’ve ever scrolled through reels while your partner was lying right there. Or got sucked into yet another Netflix binge. Or worse : checked emails in bed. Yeah, same. Our phones might as well be relationship saboteurs at this point, stealing time, attention, and, well, us.
Overall Health :
Here’s the deal: your health isn’t just for those glow-up selfies. It’s a backstage pass to your libido. Chronic conditions? Constant fatigue? Meds that fix your brain but ghost your libido? Big yikes. And let’s not ignore those sneaky discomforts like vaginal dryness that can make even new married sex time feel more like a nope moment. Who’ll even want a steamy moment when you have back pain all the time?
Waning Emotions :
When the emotional chemistry fizzles, the physical connection doesn’t stand much of a chance. Let’s face it: married sex is so much more than just a physical act. Without that spark of intimacy and closeness, even the hottest moments can feel, well, lukewarm.
Understanding Sexless and Low-Sex Marriages
So, what exactly does a sexless marriage look like? Well, a celibate marriage is typically when couples are having sex fewer than 10 times a year. Yep, you read that right - that’s less than once a month!
But wait, before you start side-eyeing your relationship, pause. It’s not actually only about how many times you’re hitting the sheets. The real deal-breakers? Emotional off scene and relationship drama. When there’s tension in the relationship - communication breakdowns, emotional distance, or consistent and long term unresolved conflicts ; sexual desire is bound to take a nosedive. How can you even think about new married sex when you’re too overwhelmed, too angry, too unhappy or emotionally drained in your relationship? Sex naturally becomes an afterthought, or no thought at all.
The good news amidst this marriage without sex mess? There’s (almost) nothin' that Aunt Sassy can’t help you figure!
How to Reignite Intimacy in Marriage
Yap a Lot
Communication is the absolute foundation of any strong relationship. But when it comes to talking about married sex, a lot of people feel weird about it, especially in desi arranged marriage taam jhaam setups. But here’s the thing: avoiding the conversation doesn’t do anyone any favors. It just leads to unmet needs, and a whole lotta frustration down the road.
Here’s a cheat code: be explicit. Don’t assume your partner knows exactly how you’re feeling. Ask the questions: “Are you happy with how often we’re intimate?” Trust me, even if it feels a little awkward at first, that simple “yes” or “no” can open the door to a real, honest conversation.
And when your partner answers, handle it with care. If they say "no," don’t freak out or take it personally. Instead, listen closely and ask what their ideal scenario looks like. From there, you can work together to find a way to close that gap and get on the same page.
Now, if you’re the one who’s unsatisfied, own it - but without throwing blame. Say something like, “I love being intimate with you, and I want us to find ways to connect more often.” Or, “I know our needs are a little different, but I’d love to explore how we can both feel more fulfilled.”
Timing is everything. Pick a quiet, distraction-free moment for a marriage without sex chat, definitely not in the heat of the moment or right after. Yeah, it’s a tough conversation, but it’s worth it.
Sex is a Spectrum
Yes, sex is awesome, but there’s so much more than just that one act. Sometimes it’s the forehead kisses, the lazy Sunday cuddles, or even a spontaneous ass grab while making chai. It’s also in those hot moments - like when you nibble your partner’s tits, kiss them on their genitals, shower together or even sleep naked intertwined with one another. These aren’t just filler activities; they’re a glue. So, ditch the idea that every physical touch has to lead to full-blown action. These moments can save your marriage.
Be a Lil’ Flexible with your Normal
Life’s unpredictable, and so are your intimacy patterns. Your ‘normal’ doesn’t need to be set in stone. Maybe work gets crazy, or one of you is going through a tough time, and suddenly, intimacy looks a little different. That’s okay, my girl. What really matters is being able to roll with it and talk about how it feels for both of you. Don’t stress if intimacy doesn’t look the same every week, what counts is that you’re still feeling connected, seen, and satisfied. Open to the ebb and flow, my love.
Mark your calendar for sex
Okay, we know - scheduling sex doesn’t exactly scream ‘spontaneous passion,’ but hear us out. I’m not asking you to lock in a rigid timetable like you’re booking a dentist appointment. Putting time aside shows that sexy times with your boo is a priority for you. Between work, family, and all the other things on your to-do list, it’s easy for fun times to slide down the list. But setting aside time for each other? That’s hella hot if you ask me.
Open Up, Baby
Talking about sex can feel like trying to dance in a room full of mirrors: awkward, exposing, and a little too real. If she's been a third wheel in your journey, it’s time to say tata to her.
Sharing your feelings and past experiences - yes, even the ones that make you squirm - builds trust like nothing else. Vulnerability might feel like a free-fall, but it’s also the ultimate safety net for stronger love.
Quality > Quantity
It’s not about keeping score, it’s about making it count. I’m imagining slow kisses, steamy eye contact, or even new moves that make my boyfriend’s toes curl.
Close your eyes and think about a long kiss that melts your brain. Think about trying something totally new that has both of you laughing and blushing. Because truly, will you remember your best kiss more fondly or the count of kisses you’ve had in a lifetime?
“I look Gucci” mantra
Feeling sexy starts with you. Whether it’s rocking that Pinterest-worthy fit, hitting the gym, or just strutting like you own the damn place, confidence is pure magnetism. When you feel like a 10, it radiates - and trust me, your partner will feel it too.
Go turn the spark into a full-blown inferno.
Navigating a Sexless Marriage: What to Do When Things Don’t Improve
Sometimes, it feels that you’ve tried all little things, but you now need to pull the big guns (or here, roses). Of course Aunt Sassy is holding those for you too.
If you feel that you’ve tried all you can - it’s literally the time to do all you can for yourself. Masturbation. It’s the perfect way to explore your fantasies, release pent-up tension, and stay in touch with your desires. No judgment. Hold LIT and get going, because sometimes, you gotta take matters into your own hands.
But, don’t make it your go-to fix forever. Masturbation is awesome as a temporary fix to mismatched energy levels, but it’s not the permanent solve. The real goal is not surviving a sexless marriage for a lifetime. It’s reconnecting with your pookie when the time’s right, so you can get back to sharing your spark.
And we’ve saved the best magic for the last : sex therapists. These sex fairy godmothers create a judgment-free zone where you can finally say all the things you’ve been holding back - frustrations, fantasies, or those “uh-oh, how do we fix this?” moments. They uncover all the sneaky roadblocks : all the buried resentment and silent fears. With a pro cheerleader in your corner, you’ll rediscover connection and passion, minus the awkward tension.
Common Myths about Married Sex and Reality Checks
Life's not all sunshine and steamy nights. Sometimes, work deadlines, personal struggles, or grief will throw a curveball and your sex life can take a backseat. And you know what? That’s totally fine! This phase doesn’t mean that your marriage, or even worse, your love is fading away.
When life’s throwing shade, hot sex might just have to pause for a hot minute. What matters is showing up for your partner in other ways. Hold them, cuddle them and get them ice-cream! You’re building a foundation that’s gonna make your connection fire once the storm clears. And remember, it’s just a phase, it’ll be over before you know it.
And most importantly, abandon the shame and embrace the courage to reach out. Seeking help from a sex therapist isn’t waving a white flag or announcing, “We’ve lost our love.” Nope. It’s actually the opposite - it’s a bold, love-filled move that says, “We care enough to fix this.” Therapy isn’t about admitting defeat; it’s about getting that extra nudge from someone who knows the terrain.
If you’ve been stressing about how often married couples are supposed to have sex, chill. I hope this piece gave you some perspective and reminded you that there’s no magic number. I hope you’ll be out of this funk in no time. Someday, I hope you’ll look back at this and think, “Wow, why was I even worried?” With a big ol’ grin, of course.
Spicing up your married life doesn’t always need grand gestures—sometimes, it’s the little things. Introducing playful elements like sex toys, lubricants, or vibrators can help bring back the fun and adventure. These tools can spark curiosity and intimacy, reminding you both of the joy of exploring together.
Also, check out our blogs on Understanding slow sex and what is a kink and its types to improve your knowledge of sexual health.
FAQs on Sex after Marriage
How often do most married couples have sex?
In most marriages, sex happens around once a week, but people are now increasingly understanding how normal is what works for you and your partner. Each marriage and sex life is unique!
What is considered a sexless marriage?
A no sex marriage is typically when sex happens less than 10 times a year. That’s basically less than once a month.
Is it normal for newlyweds to experience changes in their sex life?
New married sex a.k.a. The honeymoon phase is usually filled with a lot of energy and passion! Slowly, a life and routine start falling into place, and it’s only natural to see this affect your sex life.
What causes sexless marriages?
No sex marriage often stems from communication issues, emotional disconnect, or unresolved conflicts. These things can drain the passion completely.
Can a marriage without sex survive?
A celibate marriage can survive if both partners are emotionally close, but it takes a lot of effort to keep that deep connection alive.
How can couples reignite their sex life?
To spice up a no sex marriage, talk openly, be spontaneous, and explore new ways of connecting beyond just the mainstream physical act of sex
About the Author:
Hemali (she/her) is an explorer of the realms of sexuality, intimacy, and dating. She talks endlessly about the evolving landscape of feminist narratives on the big screen and makes you reanalyze the portrayal of women in mainstream culture. If you're looking for alternative conversation starters, take your pick from: Biryani, Art Fairs, or Spoken Word Poetry.
