You’re finally in bed with someone you actually like. The mood’s perfect. Your body’s ready.
But just as things get heated… bam! A voice in your head whispers, “Should I be doing this?”

If that sounds familiar, you’re not broken. You’ve just been raised in a culture that treats female desire like a scandal. For most of us, sex isn’t just about pleasure. It’s also about unlearning years of shame.

Whether you grew up hiding magazines under your pillow or deleting browser history in hostels, we’ve all learned to keep desire a secret.

From aunties policing your hemlines to school books skipping the “Reproduction” chapter entirely, we’ve all been taught one thing: “Good girls don’t.”
Except… good girls do. And they deserve to feel good doing it.

How Shame Creeps Into the Bedroom

Even when you want sex, shame can sneak in like a nosy relative who didn’t knock. Here’s how it usually shows up:

• “Sex is dirty or wrong before marriage.”
  Thanks to years of sanskaari sermons, many of us grew up equating desire with sin. You could ace math, clear UPSC, and still feel guilty about touching yourself.
  

• “Women shouldn’t have sexual fantasies.”
  Men can talk about threesomes at chai breaks, but a woman saying she fantasizes about anything beyond cuddling? Scandal! In reality, sexual imagination is healthy; it’s how you learn what turns you on.
  

• “Women’s pleasure doesn’t matter.”
  We grew up watching movies where men finished, women smiled vaguely, and nobody mentioned foreplay. (Looking at you, Kabir Singh.) But pleasure is not a gendered privilege! It’s a right.
  

• “You owe it to your partner.”
  Whether it’s sex in a relationship or marriage, many women are made to feel like consent is optional once commitment starts. It’s not. Desire should be mutual, not dutiful.
  

• “Masturbation is wrong.”
  From myths like “it’ll make you infertile” to awkward giggles when you even talk about buying a vibrator, self-pleasure is shamed into secrecy. But masturbation is literally the safest form of sex! No STIs, no judgment, just you and your vibes (pun intended).

The Pop Culture Double Standard

We’ve seen this hypocrisy play out everywhere, from The Scarlet Letter (where a woman is branded for having sex) to Easy A (where a teen girl gets slut-shamed for something she didn’t even do).

But thankfully, we’ve also had shows like Sex and the City, Fleabag, Lust Stories, and Four More Shots Please — unapologetically celebrating women who own their sexuality, guilt-free.
Pleasure doesn’t make you “fast.” It makes you human.

That Sassy Takeaway: Being a “good girl” isn’t about what you don’t do — it’s about knowing what you want and owning it.

When Shame Shows Up — What To Do

Shame is sneaky. It might appear as overthinking (“Do I look/taste/smell okay?”), discomfort (“What if they judge me?”), or guilt (“I shouldn’t want this”).
Here’s how to handle it like the emotionally intelligent queen you are:

• Name it.
  The moment you feel it, pause and identify it. “This is shame, not truth.” Naming it separates the feeling from your identity.

• Breathe and ground.
  Shame lives in your body. You’ll feel physiological responses such as tensing up, clenching muscles, shortness of breath, among others. Try a grounding exercise: breathe deeply, unclench your jaw, notice your surroundings. Remind yourself: I’m safe. I’m allowed to feel pleasure.

• Talk about it.
  If you trust your partner, tell them. “Sometimes I feel weird during sex. It’s not because of you, but because of how I was raised.” Vulnerability can build deeper intimacy.

• Educate yourself.
  Follow culturally-informed sex educators, therapists, and platforms (hi, That Sassy Thing) that normalise desire and teach healthy sexuality. Learning is liberating.

• Seek support if needed.
  If shame runs deep or comes from trauma, it’s okay to reach out to a sex-positive therapist. You don’t have to “fix” this alone.

Conclusion

Shame doesn’t disappear overnight. It’s layered, cultural, generational. But each time you touch yourself without guilt, communicate your needs, or say “yes” because you want to (not because you “should”), you rewrite the rules.

So next time that little voice whispers “good girls don’t”, smile and say, “Well, this one does!”

You don’t owe anyone shame, especially in the bedroom. If you’re curious about exploring pleasure or confident self-love, check out our guides on vibrators, sex toys, and lubes—your body, your desire, your say.

About the Author

Madhu (she/her) has been an avid reader of all things spicy since her childhood. She writes sassy blog posts and listicles now so that others may benefit from her wholly inappropriate, wholly informative tastes, too.