Unashamed by Neha Bhat begins at Bandstand in Bandra, Mumbai. The author takes us to the rocks behind Bandstand where couples of all ages engage in brief yet rare public displays of affection. Shared headphones, a stolen kiss. She describes it as one of those few places in a city where couples may spend time together, shielded from the usual norms of sexual shame. It reminded me of parks like Lodhi Gardens and Nehru Park in Delhi, which provide the same liminal haven for couples. The one public place where they may sit together, listen to music on shared headphones, and steal a kiss or two.
It’s an interesting way to start a book about shame because it reminds you of your city or town and the unofficially designated public place for couples (if any). It may even prompt you to question the need for such places in the first place, and the answer lies in Neha Bhat’s exploration of shame–what it is, why we bury it, how it affects us and why we should try to heal from it. Shame, sexual trauma and the broad topic of mental health can be difficult to grasp, so the author approaches these topics by sharing the stories of her clients. Not only does this make the abstract concepts more accessible for the reader, but it also makes them more resonant. You may find yourself identifying for instance, with the woman grappling with her love for her partner versus the possibility that he may be abusive towards her. She can ignore the usual neglect, or even the outright disrespect until an incident forces her to confront the nature of her relationship. So many of us are familiar with this dilemma–we love them, but we can’t seem to live with them. What to do?
What worked for me
As someone weary of the self-help category, I appreciated this book’s stance on the evolving nature of healing. There is no right answer, no one-size-fits-all approach to therapy and there is no guaranteed time frame for healing. It is a long, laborious and ever-changing process that requires commitment and patience. Neha Bhat doesn’t mince her words when it comes to explaining the realities of therapy. Referring to a client who refused to take responsibility for his toxic behaviour, she writes “(Radical honesty) is a challenging task for people who believe that therapy should be a safe space where they can expect to not only be validated but also coddled so that they can feel ‘safe-enough’ to express themselves.” She never paints a rosy picture or gives false hope to the reader.
What she does is invite the reader to reflect on things they may not have thought of, and guide them to know themselves more intimately. In a section titled ‘How to get the most out of this book,’ she outlines a few steps that the reader can take to optimise the benefits of the book. Things like mental preparation, journaling, talking to friends etc. that will help one as they embark on the ‘therapeutic journey’ this book promises. The expectations are always managed, which is a refreshing change in the current era of social media hyperbole!
Once the reader knows what they’ve signed up for, it makes for an interesting read. Yes, there are accounts of sexual trauma and shame which could be triggering, but the author’s sensitive treatment of these issues along with a hopeful resolution in the cases make it a relatively easy book to read.
Lastly, the thing that sets it apart from most other therapy-based and self-help books is the focus on personal accountability and a commitment to truth-telling. Especially in the context of trauma bonding and abusive relationships, she writes “While safety is very important and foundational, safety without focusing on truth-telling as a value can enable people with a history of abusive behaviour to continue to hide, lie, and remain untruthful to the therapist, to their partner and to themselves.”
What didn’t work so well for me
The structure of the book is such that each chapter begins with a story about the author’s client and what approach she chose to help them. We read about closeted men, women suffering from childhood trauma, struggling couples and so on. While there are many different cases to read about, the advice can often feel a bit repetitive and saturated. Perhaps it’s a reflection of the practice of therapy itself, which involves a lot of repetition and reiteration. Maybe for a reader who has experienced the kind of trauma this book addresses, or for someone who has never been to therapy, it is important to read about dismantling shame over and over again to absorb it. For others though, who pick up this book out of sheer curiosity, or as their next Sunday read, it might feel a bit tedious at times.
Another thing I didn’t vibe with, but will be beneficial for some readers, is the activity portion at the end of each chapter. It involves certain mindfulness exercises as well as questions about the topic addressed in that chapter. It might help other readers in two ways–a) introspection and connection with oneself, especially for people who have never tried therapy and want to know what it’s like and b) it’s a good grounding exercise in case the content of any chapter is too triggering.
At the beginning of the book, she writes “Shame normalises a culture of silence, secrecy and dysfunctional relationships. Healing gives people the power to change this.” Throughout the book, there are instances of her clients that demonstrate how shame creates conditions for secrecy, silence or dysfunction. These accounts also illustrate how healing is a practice that allows people to dismantle shame, over time. Sometimes, it is through vulnerability, other times, it is through acceptance. The one constant in every case however is a commitment to truth and accountability.
Amid increasingly individualistic models of therapy which claim to offer ‘safe spaces’ without any critical inner-work, Neha Bhat makes a bold and commendable claim that therapy cannot be a space of safety without first being a space of accountability.
Overall, I’m glad I picked up this book. It turned out to have some genuinely strong, articulate ideas about the fundamental concepts of therapy. And if that’s not something you care about, read it for the client stories and walk away with a bit of hope!
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About the Author
Rai (she/her) is a writer who’s fond of buying books and forgetting to read them. She has a knack for getting distracted by anything including her own thoughts.
