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From Friction to Fire: How to Navigate Differences in Sex Drives as Partners

From Friction to Fire: How to Navigate Differences in Sex Drives as Partners

Are you and boo the mirror images of each other, or the mirror opposites that complement each other's differences? Either way, with pleasure being so individual and  unique, you are bound to have situations where you realise you might not be on the exact same page. But finding common ground is key to building any relationship, and differences give you an opportunity to discover something new about your lover.

When it comes to communicating about sex drives, the fear of being shamed for being ‘prude’ or a ‘slut’, can get in the way of being able to express what we desire and how much of it, comfortably. Lucky for you, Aunt Sassy is all about learning how to own your pleasure by amping up the love–just what you and boo need to keep the spark alive. Read our piece to know about how opening up to each other, exploring yourself with our self care products, and finding ways to show how much you crave each other outside of sex, can help you enhance physical intimacy despite the varied rhythms of your desires. 

Understanding What Gets You Going

Your sex drive refers to how motivated you are to engage in sensual pleasure. It's a dynamic force that fluctuates throughout your life, influenced by hormones, emotions, relationships, lifestyle choices, and even cultural norms. One way to explore your own erotic appetite is by taking time to self-reflect and asking yourself questions like, “What do I really want from sex” and “What are my boundaries in the bedroom?” You can also talk to a sex affirmative educator or therapist if you feel like you could use professional support to have these conversations. Another way to learn more about your sexuality could be by reading pleasure-positive content and taking courses like the ones we have like our Sex Ed Masterclasses, which are absolutely pleasure positive and easily accessible. If you and your sweetheart are trying to understand your sex drives, these could all be things that you do together, which could also make it more fun and encouraging! 

Communicating with Compassion 

Communicating about pleasure is essential to being playmates in intimacy. While it can be uncomfortable, making active efforts to be non-judgemental, respectful and accepting can make the conversation easier and more comfortable for you and your partner. When you’re trying to analyse how each of you approach being passionate, be careful of any prejudices that you might hold. For example, that someone who is bisexual or polyamorous must have a higher libido, or that asexual people are not interested in physical touch. Instead, focus on letting your lover speak for themselves and what they are feeling and experiencing. Listening to each other with tender attention and care can make having these talks be a way to strengthen your connection. 

Taking Pleasure in Yourself 

Understanding your own sex drive can be a powerful tool for self discovery. By treating yourself to pleasure, you can become more comfortable with your own sexuality. With a versatile intimate massager like Flex that’s super bendy and can cater to all your spots, both external and internal, get ready to discover the depths of satisfaction. The sleeker design as compared to many massagers that are usually available for insertion, can make it a comfy option if you’re just getting started with the solo adventures. Touching yourself can also be a wonderful way to relieve stress and savour your fantasies without the pressure of performing in front of another person. Becoming well acquainted with what arouses you can aid in explaining your sexual needs to a partner. You can tell your lover all about your naughty times or even demonstrate with Flex, what kind of stimulation you’ve been trying and what’s been taking you to the O-zone! 

Discovering the Pathways to Pleasure 

Your sex drive is not just about physical arousal, it can be connected to your emotions, spiritual connection, and mental stimulation, all of which can be accessed in different ways. 

  1. Tap into your emotions during sensual play by practising self-care, dressing in clothing that makes you feel confident, whispering words of affection to your lover. 
  2. Build erotic desire through spiritual connection by meditating by yourself or with your partner, doing breathwork together, and indulging in touch with massages. Add some good vibes to the mix by getting your hands on one of our adult couple toys! 
  3. If mental stimulation is what turns you on, putting on some sexy tunes, reading erotica, discussing your fetishes with your date, could get you going. 

Balancing Power Dynamics

While it may not always be clear, there are always certain power dynamics in a relationship–this could have to do with gender, caste, class, queerness, disability. Research suggests that when one person holds more control, their partner may feel less inclined towards sexual intimacy, because their needs and desires might be overlooked. To keep the spark alive and ensure you’re in an equitable relationship, it’s crucial to involve each other in decision-making, ensure open communication, and share control over different aspects of your relationship. Creating an environment where each person feels comfortable and consenting to any sexual activity is essential. In a healthy and equitable relationship, it is crucial for both partners to feel respected, heard, and actively involved in decision-making. 

Revving Up the Intimacy 

If you or boo feel like you’re facing a roadblock with your sex drive or looking to enhance it, there are some strategies you can try. Incorporating regular exercise, practising relaxation techniques, and seeking guidance from a sex therapist can be beneficial to connecting with your body and feeling comfortable with it. Scheduling sex, exploring new activities together, and dedicating time to express affection and desire in various ways can contribute to a more satisfying and vibrant sexual connection within your relationship. 

Remembering Pleasure Can Evolve 

Keep in mind that as you evolve in your relationship, so can your sexual desires. This emphasises the need for ongoing communication, empathy, and a willingness to adapt to these changes for a satisfying and harmonious intimate connection.

With a little effort and understanding, you can keep your passions ignited and maintain a healthy and satisfying relationship, even when your libidos differ. Remember, communication is key. So talk to your partner, be patient, and have fun!

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About the Author 

Anna (she/they) is a queer and neurodivergent. They have always been curious about pleasure and conversations around it (and wanted to found a condom company when they were 12, because of Global North misinformed panic that the climate crisis is a consequence of overpopulation–they’ve learnt better now). They wish to contribute to a world where everyone can enjoy access to pleasure, safely and shamelessly. 

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