Isn’t it great that you can talk to boo about anything–about how you think that new album that everyone loves actually sucks, that embarrassing childhood story that you wouldn’t tell another soul, and those late-night ideas about the meaning of life that keep you up? Oh, what’s that–they don’t know that you fantasies about them stepping on you with fiery red six-inch-heels? Well, it isn’t surprised.
Most of us might feel shame and confusion around our fetishes, especially since they’re usually brought up in conversations either as jokes, like about “selling feet pics on Only Fans” or as gossip about someone’s “creepy” desires being exposed. Be assured, having a fetish or multiple fetishes is absolutely natural and way more common than you would think! And opening up about them to your partner might just add that thrill that you’ve been seeking in your relationship, and bring you closer.
We’ve put together this guide so you can get comfortable talking about those hidden cravings that get you wet, with your sweetheart. Our intimate massagers also make a feature–they're not just dependable toys to bring you pleasure, but also serve to enhance communication about your desires. Dive right in!
1. Get Comfortable with Your Fetish
Many factors can come in the way of being able to talk about a fetish freely. It might be that you don’t understand it enough yourself, your fetish may not align with the ideas that other people have about you, it may conflict with some of your beliefs, or may be too much taboo in a society that encourages repressing your desire. However, fetishes are quite popular and it may even be that your partner has one or more fetishes that they enjoy secretly too.
Understanding more about your own fetishes can help talk about them more comfortably. This can include being able to figure out if what makes your toes curl is actually a fetish or a kink, watching ethical porn featuring your fetish, or learning about others' experiences with it. Taking the time to expose yourself to this information can help with any discomfort. If you still feel like “a bit of a freak,” you could reach out to a sex positive mental health professional or a pleasure educator for support.
2. Being Open Minded Yourself
Before approaching your playtime partner about your fetish, reflect on whether you are accepting of their sexual identity and interests. Do you encourage them to share how they feel about what turns them on? Were you supportive when they introduced you to their favorite sex toy? Having a bond where it feels like a two-way street of delight, where both of you feel encouraged and secure, can ease conversations about your fetish.
3. Can Your Fetish Be Explored Safely
Since sex can have a lot to do with power dynamics like tapping into gender roles and exploring domination and submission, it becomes important to evaluate any new additions to your steamy sessions, including fetishes. Take into consideration your partner’s identity, past sexual history, and any emotional triggers and how it might intersect with your fetish. This can enable you to approach the conversation with the sensitivity it requires.
For example, if your partner is non-binary and you have a fetish for dirty talking, think about ways you can add gender inclusive vocabulary to your lusty language. If you realize that your fetish focuses on objectifying a particular race, gender, body type, or disability in a way that’s harmful, it could help to introspect on the reasons for your fetish.
For example, in India, having a fetish for fair skin is common. This is often tied to class and racial discrimination, rather than a genuine appreciation of beauty. By acknowledging and understanding such biases, you can move towards building a more inclusive and respectful approach to your sexual preferences.
4. The Right Time and Place
Once you feel like you’ve thought enough about how to approach the conversation, ensure that you do it in a space where you feel safe emotionally, and both of you are relaxed, with enough time to answer any questions that they might have. It’s better to have the first conversation about a fetish when you’re not being physically intimate, as that can make your partner feel pressured or unsafe.
5. Emphasise Your Trust
Telling your partner that you want to talk about your fetish because you trust them and feel safe around them, is like saying, "You're my person, and I want to share something special with you." By expressing your vulnerability and willingness to open up, it can make your lover more likely to be understanding and less judgmental when you discuss your fetish.
You can also let them know if you’re feeling nervous. This can encourage them to approach the discussion with more empathy and thoughtfulness.
6. Setting the Tone
Adapt your approach to the conversation based on the communication style of your relationship. You can choose to use humour or be straightforward and matter-of-fact, depending on what feels most natural for both of you. Regardless of how you talk about it, make sure to convey that the fetish is of significance to you and something that you would like your partner to think about.
It can help to refer to a movie or book that features the fetish. Pointing out how some physical intimacy that you already engage in together, like calling them “daddy”, is a light version of an age-play kink or fetish, could help them understand your attraction to it. You could also connect it to your use of toys. Just how the massager for men TACO transforms your experience of arousal with its dual stimulation and warming feature, your fetish is similarly something that makes your erotic escapades more fulfilling.
If you have a wet and messy kink, you could bring up how much you love squirting out pumps of our water based lube DTF, and how it makes everything so much more pleasurable.
7. Share Your Intentions
Let your boo know that you wanted to share this part of you with them because you think it could bring you closer, and that they're not obligated to participate in your fetish if it makes them uncomfortable. Reassure them that your fetish reveal doesn't mean you're bored in the bedroom department. Rather, it's about having them understand you better, or if they’re interested in engaging with it, an exciting new element to play with, like trying a new sex position or pleasure toy.
Speaking of new toys, have you got your hands on Aunt Sassy’s personal massager Flex? It’s super bendy (up to 180°) to reach all your sweet spots, and its sleek and simplistic design makes it great for newbie and seasoned toy-jerkers. Grab it today so you and your lover can savour the latest sensation that’s got everyone raving!
8. Be Patient
Whether your significant other is completely on board with your fetish and whips out their garter belt, or does not seem to really understand it, it’s good to give them some time to reflect on the conversation.
If they seem unsure or curious, it can be helpful to take the time to answer any questions they have, and to share accurate, evidence-based information with them. If they seem a little uncomfortable and feel it’s a bit too much to talk about in one conversation, let them know that you can revisit it when they feel more ready.
Talking about our desires and owning our pleasures is not always easy, and Aunt Sassy is proud of you for taking the time to learn more about how you can communicate with your partner about your fetish. It's essential to remember that your fetish–as long as it’s not harmful and can be explored safely–deserves respect, like any aspect of your sexuality. We hope you and your partner find more connection with your fetish reveal and as always, wish you the best of pleasure!
About the Author
Anna (she/they) is a queer, neurodivergent and disabled psychologist and writer. They have always been curious about pleasure and conversations around it (and wanted to found a condom company when they were 12, because of Global North misinformed panic that the climate crisis is a consequence of overpopulation–they’ve learnt better now). They wish to contribute to a world where everyone can enjoy access to pleasure, safely and shamelessly.