We’ve been lied to. For years, sex has been framed as this one, singular act—penetration. Everything before that? Just the opening act. Everything after? A cigarette and awkward silence. But here’s the truth: foreplay isn’t just a prelude. Foreplay is sex. And for many, it’s the best part.

Let’s get into it.

What Is Foreplay, Really?

Foreplay is any act—physical, emotional, or psychological—that builds arousal, intimacy, and excitement before (or instead of) what we often call “main event” sex.

This includes:

• Kissing (the slow, open-mouthed kind)

• Touching, caressing, or cuddling

• Oral sex, dry humping, dirty talk

• Sensory play (think: feathers, ice cubes, blindfolds)

• Watching something sexy together

• Even a flirty look across the room or a well-placed DM

Foreplay is what builds tension. It’s the tease, the flirt, the sizzle before the flame.

Why Foreplay Is So Important

It’s not optional for many people, especially vulva-owners: Research shows 70–90% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Penetration alone often doesn’t cut it.

It helps you tune in: Whether you’ve had a stressful day or are just not “in the mood,” foreplay gives your body and brain time to sync.

It builds intimacy: Physical connection is great, but emotional safety and closeness often start here.

It’s where desire begins: Desire isn’t always spontaneous. Sometimes it’s responsive—it grows because of foreplay.

One Size Doesn’t Fit All

What turns one person on might completely turn another off. For instance:

Some people crave verbal praise and love notes.

Others want rough hands and biting.

Some prefer slow, sensual touch, while others need fast-paced teasing.

This is why communication is crucial. Ask your partner what they like. Try different things. Use words, gestures, or even yes/no/maybe lists.

Want to know how others define foreplay in real life?

Read: 7 people share their idea of foreplay

Foreplay Is More Than Just Physical

Here’s where it gets juicy. Foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom—it starts in the brain.

That cheeky message at lunch? Foreplay.

Doing the dishes because your partner’s exhausted? Foreplay.

A long, slow hug after a hard day? Yup. Still counts.

Emotional foreplay is underrated, but essential. Feeling seen, heard, and cared for is hot. 

Foreplay in Pop Culture (and Its Problems)

Pop culture is often terrible at showing good foreplay:

In Friends, it’s always wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am.

In Bridgerton, foreplay = 3 seconds of heavy breathing and then instant orgasm.

In Euphoria, there’s a buildup but very little aftercare or conversation.

But shows like Sex Education are starting to flip the script—showing consent, awkward moments, fumbling hands, and the joy of taking your time.

Smashing the ‘Foreplay < Sex’ Dichotomy

For too long, sex has been treated like a race where penetration is the finish line.

But what if we reframed it?

Oral sex is sex.

Mutual masturbation is sex.

Grinding on each other with clothes on until you both come? Definitely sex.

Foreplay isn’t the opening act—it can be the whole show. It’s time to decenter penetration as the default or “real” sex, especially for queer, disabled, and neurodivergent folks who experience pleasure in many different ways.

How to Level Up Your Foreplay Game

Here’s a checklist for spicing it up:

• Pace: Slow it down. Teasing builds anticipation.

• Talk: Tell them what you’re going to do. Ask what they want.

• Touch: Use your hands, your mouth, your body—explore.

• Ambience: Lighting, music, scents—set the scene.

• Try something new: A blindfold, a warm oil massage, roleplay.

• Use products: A body-safe lube, a vibrator, an erotic story.

• Look: Eye contact can be electric. So can mirror play.

Want more ideas? Here are 5 Raunchy ways to up your foreplay game!

TL;DR: Foreplay = Sex

It’s not just the prelude! It’s the plot twist, the slow burn, the fireworks, and the credits. Great foreplay can lead to great sex. Or it can be the sex.

So stop rushing. Start exploring. And remember—if you’re both enjoying yourselves, you’re doing it right.

Want a little help turning up the heat? Explore That Sassy Thing’s collection of body-safe sex toys, vibrators, along with our DTF lube—designed for touch, tease, and tantalizing build-up.

About the Author: 

Madhu (she/her) has been an avid reader of all things spicy since her childhood. She writes sassy blog posts and listicles now so that others may benefit from her wholly inappropriate, wholly informative tastes, too.