One of the gold standard recommendations for getting over your ex seems to be cutting contact, with any flirtation being considered a big no-no. The reminder, “And if you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him,” from Dua Lipa’s ‘New Rules’ echoes the popular direction that most of us mandate to our friends when they’ve broken up with their exes and confess that they’re still in touch, under the sheets. But what if we took a step back and gave having cake after a break (iykwim), a second thought? Can it sometimes be a good move? Can it be considered a part of healing, a stepping stone in the path to a post-break-up glow-up? As always, Aunt Sassy’s here to help you get all the lowdown, so if you choose to, you can spread those legs shamelessly *wink*.
Understanding the Temptation
You’ve finally done it. You’d been telling your BFFs for weeks that you don’t feel the spark with your lover anymore and realized that it’s better to part ways. You’ve convinced yourself that this is painful, but that you’re on your way to your healing journey. So understandably, you’re going to feel conflicted and confused when you find yourself going through your old chats and wondering what it’d be like to hit your ex up for a quick dirty talk sesh. How can you still fantasize about them after everything?
Well, Jimmy Moran, an evolutionary psychologist, states that this can be narrowed down to three main reasons–relationship maintenance (attempts at rekindling the relationship), hedonism, or the “fiery limbo” (there’s still some desire, with all the uncertainty adding more fuel to the fire), and ambivalence (having mixed feelings). While these reasons can be very broad, having some idea about what might be driving you to hit up your ex, could be a helpful start. When the thought crosses your mind, try to take note of what might be your motivations–whether it’s one of the three mentioned here, or something else all together, or even if it’s that you just don’t know.
Getting Down and Dirty for Good
Once you’ve been able to give some thought to why you want to get under your ex, consider what could be the pros and cons. When it comes to the good stuff, there’s:
1. Familiarity: You know each other and your bodies, and all your favorite spots. You might also have established boundaries which makes it safer, pleasurable, and comforting.
2. Closure: A breakup isn’t just a moment but an ongoing process. Accordingly, it would make sense if you choose to remain in touch, as you and your ex take the time to process the breakup and cope, even if that means getting freaky together.
3. Lesser inhibitions: You might feel free to get a lil’ adventurous and go a lil’ wild, making your final rounds in the bedroom possibly even more fun. Do remember to stick to the basics, even when you’re getting a little daring, like using plenty of lube. (Our personal gel is all about getting DTF!)
4. A final cheer: Getting naughty could also be a playful and light-hearted way to pay tribute to the better parts of the relationship that you shared with your ex.
When it’s Probably More Trouble
Here’s when it might be better to keep a distance:
1. You’re on different pages: To have varying outlooks and ideas about the break-up and the dynamic that you share going forward is natural. But when they’re completely incompatible (for example, one of you has made up your mind that this is the last time you’re going to meet, while the other is convinced that this is a chance to get back together), it can get really complicated and lead to even further heartbreak and regret.
2. It’s a roadblock: Sometimes, getting it on with your ex could be a gateway into repeating a pattern that might hinder your process of healing, particularly if it doesn’t make you feel that good, but you find yourself stuck in a loop out of habit.
3. Feeling obligated: The familiarity and closeness that you might share with an ex might also make it particularly hard to say, “No”, even if that’s what you’d prefer to do. However, there’s no need to pay heed to their booty calls if you’re not interested. It’s all about owning your pleasure, baby!
4. It can be uncomfortable: There are chances that playtime with your ex might not be as spicy as you imagine or could be a reminder of what you didn’t like about your games in the bedroom, adding to more disappointment. But while they’re no replacement for your (ex) partners, there are always pleasure toys that you can rely on to get you moaning. Try our massagers, OG and LIT– our star performers to take you to boogie wonderland.
Talk it Out
Most relationship challenges ultimately come down to the communication between the partners involved. If you fancy shagging your ex, be sure to take some time to consider the prospect yourself, reach out to your ex (unless they’ve explicitly stated that they would prefer not being in contact–it’s important to respect their boundaries), and try to have a transparent conversation. You could go over the risks and benefits together, which could also give you more insight into the situation and help you make up your mind.
Go ahead and get that hotline bling, or not–either way, Aunt Sassy’s got you.
About the Author
Anna (she/they) is a queer and neurodivergent. They have always been curious about pleasure and conversations around it (and wanted to found a condom company when they were 12, because of Global North misinformed panic that the climate crisis is a consequence of overpopulation–they’ve learnt better now). They wish to contribute to a world where everyone can enjoy access to pleasure, safely and shamelessly.
