I’m already getting a little hot under the collar just thinking of what I’m about to write for you. My mind’s running wild with scenes of soft satin blindfolds, furry handcuffs, a mix of LIT and Fiddle, and the rule of not being allowed to moan even a little bit.

Yep, you know exactly where this is going. Today, I wanna tell you everything I do and follow when I have rough sex- right from my best tips to how I do it super safely.

But first, what does rough sex even mean? Honestly, it’s different for everyone! What feels like just a regular Tuesday night to you might be someone else’s idea of the wildest, kinkiest adventure ever. Rough sex is totally subjective. What one person finds intense, another might call vanilla.

Generally, though, rough sex is about turning up the heat with a bit more intensity - think playful slaps, spanking, faster rhythms, and touches that are way more grab than caress. It’s anything that goes a little (or a lot) beyond the standard sweet-and-gentle vibe. Imagine a whole spectrum : from low-key feisty to full-on intense.

There’s something for everyone on this spectrum. You can start on the milder end with some spanking, a little slap here and there, playful biting, hair-pulling, name-calling, dirty talk, intense motions, or maybe a scratch or two. Or, you can turn up the heat with a slightly extreme end of the spectrum : bondage and restraints, vibrator play, paddles, whips, gagging, blindfolds, and even nipple clamps. Things like orgasm denial and strap-on play also belong in the more intense category.

The beauty of rough sex is how customizable it is. You can tweak the intensity - like spanking until things get a little red or keeping the blindfold on just long enough to build suspense.

BEFORE YOU DIVE IN :

Communicate Endlessly:

Rough sex can be risky in a lot of ways. Not everyone’s idea of a good time is the same. Everyone’s physical limits of taking pain are different. Everyone’s idea of how much pain is giving them pleasure until it just becomes pain also varies.

So, what are you looking for? Is it your partner picking you up and holding you tightly or pressing you into the mattress or against a wall? Do you want them to spank you? Do you want to gag them? What toys are we adding in? What wild ideas do you have floating around? Whatever’s on the menu, get clear on what’s hot vs. what’s just plain uncomfortable for each of you.

Lay it all out: your boundaries, your ideas, and details on how you’d love this to go. Tell them exactly what you’re looking for, and ask them to do the same. No lukewarm yeses allowed - give and get only full-on, excited consent here! Make sure you’re both equally pumped for what’s about to go down!

What’s your safe word? :

A safe word is your pause button if things get too intense. Something to convey, “Whoa, let’s dial it down!” Pick a word that’s easy to say, with one syllable, and something not likely to pop up in the heat of the moment. Think shampoo or blue!

You could also go with the classic traffic light system: Green means all’s good, keep going; Yellow means slow down, caution zone; and Red means STOP right now, no questions asked.

If your partner can’t speak - say, they’re gagged or a little tied up - you can also go for a non-verbal signal. A quick tap on the bed or two on you, anything easy to do without words.

Set this up before things get wild so everyone feels safe and ready to play!

Don’t judge yourself :

When I first realized I love being submissive, I worried it made me a bad feminist. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. Feminism is about knowing what you want and going after it, unapologetically. Embracing your desires is empowering, and walking away from consensual, steamy rough sex with no regrets? That's the real win. Whatever your fantasies look like, they’re 100% valid. So own ‘em, enjoy ‘em, and don’t let anyone (including yourself) make you feel guilty about it!

GETTING INTO IT :

Step one? Relax. Tension is no one’s friend when you’re gearing up for rough play. Stress can make your muscles tense up, leaving you sore or cramping the next day. Rough sex is way more fun when you’re relaxed and ready to go.

Sure, it might sound simple, but remember, a lot of us grew up being told to “tone it down.” Well, not today! Spend time building up that spicy anticipation. Think of it as letting your inner beast gather steam. When the moment comes, throw all that pent-up passion into it, shed the clothes (and the reservations), and let yourselves go!

Next on the agenda? Load up on the lube, baby! Whether you're asking for a little extra oomph or fully embracing the pounding, lube is your best friend. Not only does it make things super smooth and slippery, but it also cranks up your pleasure dial. Don’t treat it like an afterthought; get playful with it! Have your partner pour it over you, massage it, or guide you on where to slather it. The right amount of lube means you can go hard without any pesky irritation or friction ruining the vibe. 

You’re all set and ready to dive into the deliciously naughty best bit(e)s!  You can start with some sultry, wet kissing and touching (or maybe do this after tying them up). Put a blindfold over them. Give them a sexy massage. Slightly pull their hair. Handle each other’s bodies with less care than usual. If you’ve both agreed, don’t shy away from a bit of pain.

But hold on! I’m not just going to send you off to get steamy without some extra tips to really crank it up -

1. Go shopping together :

Well, this is a suggestion before you get into your foreplay bit. But getting what you need for a rough time together builds anticipation. Choosing the perfect paddle together? Yes, please! Whisper what you’re going to do with it as you pay the bill.

Talk about that sexy vibrator you’re eyeing and tease them about how long they’ll have to wait before they can reach their sweet release. And don’t forget to show off the fabric you’ll use as a blindfold. Describe how you’ll glide your hands all over their body.

Not only does this get your hearts racing, but it also deepens your connection and sets the stage for some super consensual fun. Trust me, by the time you get back to your place, you’ll be feeling all sorts of heated.

2. Don't underestimate Pinching : 

While some might associate pinching with playful childhood antics, let me tell you - it’s a total game-changer in the world of rough sex! Find those juicy spots where you can grab some skin, and trust me, the more you pinch, the less it hurts overall. The genitals and nipples make especially really good spots for pinching, and you can twist to your heart’s desire.

If you and your partner are totally on, you can step up your game with some clamps too!

3. What positions can y’all get into :

I personally love the ‘wristed’ way. The magic happens when you grab hold of your partner’s wrists, it doesn’t matter who’s on top! Pin them down and go all in. You can press down hard enough to keep them from escaping, creating a thrilling feeling of being completely at your mercy.  You can use one hand to hold their wrists down while the other gets playful with some cheeky slaps too. Just a little reminder to have that safe word handy since their mouth is still free to communicate. 

Oh my god, reverse cowgirl is also super sexy. This is when the woman is usually on the top and she’s facing the opposite direction or her partner. So, you give an unbeatable view of that gorgeous backside while you take charge of the action.  You can really let loose with this position. Bounce up and down like you’re on a wild ride! And if you’re feeling feisty, why not throw in a little scratching on your partner? You can also set up some fun rules, like no touching allowed for them while you’re in charge. Roll the power dynamics, and roll the good times.

The absolute best part about rough sex? You can take any position and sprinkle a little roughness on it to make it extra spicy! Want to get frisky in missionary? Blindfold your partner. How about a face-off? Slip on some nipple clamps and let the fun begin. You can incorporate spanking into any position where you’ve got easy access to their glorious behind.

And let’s not forget about power play. Whether you’re in doggy style or spooning, you can totally have one person take charge, creating tension that makes everything feel more electrifying. The sky’s the limit, so get creative.

Butt, while you’re diving into all that steamy roughness, it’s super important to keep the risks on your radar. Sure, a little spanking can leave some cute bruises that’ll make you blush with fond memories, but you definitely want to avoid crossing any hard limits. Steer clear of striking exposed organs like the kidneys. Stick to the fleshy parts, like that fabulous backside. And when it comes to restraints, keep them comfy - nothing that cuts off blood flow, okay? Oh, and don’t mess around with your partner’s trachea; that’s a no-go zone. Safety first means more fun later, so play smart.

You can also start off gentle and work your way up in roughness and find your stride. It’s a very you-do-you scene.

And here’s the golden rule: You and your partner get to set the pace. Forget about trying to keep up with the likes of Christian Grey. It’s perfectly fine to throw up a friendly “Nope, that’s a bit too risky for me” or “I’m not really okay with that” both before you dive in and even when things heat up.

And remember, you don’t have to jump into the deep end right away. Start off nice and gentle, then ramp up the intensity as you find your groove. 

AND WHAT AFTER THAT?

Rough sex can be raw, untamed, and exhilarating, but what comes next is just as essential. Once you’ve had your intense, animalistic fun, it’s totally natural to feel a mix of physical exhaustion and emotional vulnerability. This is where aftercare steps in - a beautiful moment to ground yourselves and reconnect outside of the wild intensity you just shared.

Snuggle up. Maybe take a long gentle shower, let the water soothe and reset you both. Hydrate with a big glass of water, you’ve both earned it. If there are any tender spots from all that spanking or scratching, a little moisturizer goes a long way in showing some extra care.

Think about what would make your partner feel amazing right now. A warm towel? Their favorite snack? Maybe a burger or a drink?

And don’t hold back on the after-chat. It’s just as important as the act itself. Swap feedback, and dig into the details of what you both enjoyed. Compliment them. Be specific: “When you did XYZ, I felt this insane, buzzing sensation in my ABC.”

What are you still on your screen for? You know what you gotta do!

Sex toys, water based lube, and vibrators are your ultimate allies for spicing up rough play. A powerful vibrator like the LIT personal massager and our couples massager can heighten sensations, while lube ensures a smooth, pleasurable experience with no unwanted friction. From playful restraints to teasing tools, incorporating toys adds layers of excitement to your steamy adventures

Also, check out our blogs on Understanding slow sex and what is a kink and its types to improve your knowledge of sexual health.

About the Author:

Hemali (she/her) is an explorer of the realms of sexuality, intimacy, and dating. She talks endlessly about the evolving landscape of feminist narratives on the big screen and makes you reanalyze the portrayal of women in mainstream culture. If you're looking for alternative conversation starters, take your pick from: Biryani, Art Fairs, or Spoken Word Poetry.