Vanilla sex has a bit of a Superman problem. For the longest time Superman was the conventional hero, the safe hero, the hero of the masses, then suddenly Batman— the dark knight, the rule breaker— became lit and Superman started seeming bland. After the pandemic-like success of ‘50 Shades of Grey’ and the larger cultural shift, BDSM and kinky sex have become so normal and acceptable— and we are all game for it— that vanilla sex and its practitioners feel heavily misunderstood and underappreciated. Whereas the truth is that everyone who engages in sex engages in vanilla sex sometime or the other. Let us begin the hearing for Vanilla sex vs The cool police.
What is Vanilla Sex?
According to the urban dictionary, vanilla sex involves no twists or kinkiness, and no S&M. Basically plain regular sex. Typically sweet and happy and very lovey-dovey.
Earlier, the BDSM community and other folks had to fight tooth, nail, straps and belts to make the simple point that vanilla sex was not the default or normal option. This was an important point, but now vanilla sex has the opposite PR problem. Now, it is sometimes implied or hinted that vanilla sex is too safe, too boring and kinda old fashioned. And that is a problem.
Imagine if the same distinction was applied to slow, gentle music, imagine if only punk rock was considered cool music. We all need different kinds of music depending on the time of day or our mood, the same is true for sex. It too is a spectrum. On Mondays you can be a dominatrix and on Tuesdays you can be Cindrella jumping on her prince charming, on Wednesdays you can begin with our range of vibrators Lit suction massager or Flex personal massager, it is all about the choice.
Can vanilla sex be spicy?
Yes, Yes, Yes.
Good sex has always been about the power of connection, the intensity of your passion and the chemistry between your heart and bodies. Vanilla sex is not boring sex. No one said you can’t be steamy and ravenous just because you are having vanilla sex.
What is Kinky Sex?
According to WebMD, Kinky sex is a catch-all term for a range of consensual practices — called kinks — that include role play, power dynamics, or fetishes. Kinky sex requires active communication between partners about desires and limits to make sure that it is a pleasurable experience for everyone involved.
The good news about our current moment is that kinky sex, BDSM are understood and appreciated much better than was the case even a decade ago. But, and there is always a but.
According to an article published in Guardian, the combination of sensationalised sex in culture and the lacklustre sex education could help explain why more than a third of women under the age of 40 have experienced unwanted choking, slapping or gagging. Psychotherapist Steve Pope told the BBC that non-consensual violence during sex has become a silent epidemic, and people do it because they see it as the norm.
The same article also highlights the rise of “Vanilla-shaming". Even though more than a third of women prefer missionary sex over any other position. In its race to be exciting and relevant, pop culture has started imparting a lot of wrong ideas about sex.
Communication between the sheets
Consent, Communication and Care are the three avengers of safe and enjoyable sex. Porn and pop culture struggle to depict sex accurately because they are always reaching for eyeballs. Real sex is messy, difficult, sometimes rewarding, sometimes frustrating. BDSM is not cooler or better than vanilla sex, vanilla sex does not make you more normal, BDSM and vanilla sex are not binaries, but different expressions of the same basic desire. Pleasure is the core of sex and it cannot beachived unless both parties clearly know what is expected of them.
The good thing about sex positions is that you don’t have to take a position on them. You can enjoy the best of both worlds as long as you communicate openly and freely.
The nitty gritty of sex talk
You must be wondering what is the way to go if you are into vanilla sex and your partner is not or vice versa, don’t worry, we have got your back. First, it is absolutely normal to have different expectations and tastes in a relationship. Talking about the specifics of your desire, refusing things can sometimes be difficult or alienating. But it is important that you learn to communicate exactly what you want and don’t want. If you are into kinky sex, It is very important to draw boundaries, maintain clear communication at all times and have safe words. Move at your own pace.
If you are the one who enjoys vanilla sex and your partner is into kinky sex and they want to initiate you into it, you need to create a checklist. Start by being thorough, ask as many questions as it takes to satisfy your curiosity. Also, be open about your reservations. At no point should you feel pressured into doing anything— remember the pleasure principle, if it is not fun for you, then you don’t have to do it.
Also, check out our blogs on Understanding White Discharge Before Your Period and Vaginal Odor to improve your knowledge on sexual health
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About the Author
Vidisha is a screenplay writer who also loves writing the occasional blogs. She's smitten by all things funny, sassy, and creative. And has the penchant for cracking the odd joke. She also wrote this bio.
