Before we go any further, we’d like to clarify we aren’t talking about transactional in the sense of money. No, we are talking about everyday relationships and how they can get caught in a transactional rut. We are talking about you and your relationship, so keep reading cause chances are, this concerns you.
Transactional sex is tit for tat situation–where either you or your partner is keeping track of what you do for each other in the bedroom. And look, nothing takes the fun out of the bedroom than a (BDSM alert!) you whip my back and I whip yours.
If you wanna have sex of the mind-blowing variety–passionate, raunchy and just PURE FUN while also being extremely healthy? You need to stop operating tit-for-tat and indulge in a lot more tit-for-tit (oh ya, Aunt Sassy has a lot of puns up her sleeve for this session!)
Beware of the bedroom bankers!!!
Once again, we start with a disclaimer! We have got nothing against bankers but the calculator has to stop in the bedroom unless we are counting hickeys.
We are talking about couples who keep track of who went down on whom and how many times, who initiated sex more, who’s orgasmed more, etc, etc. This kind of calorie counting is bad for your orgasmic health. It is bound to create frustration because here’s the thing: one partner always feels they are doing more and slowly, over time, they start expecting more, or they grow resentful, meanwhile the other partner has no choice but to marinate in guilt and guilt is a vibe killer, it is a mood killer and it is a certified boner killer.
Are you wondering if you are in one such relationship? Don’t worry cause Aunt Sassy’s got your back(side).
The missionary proposition
Look, the to and fro, the back and forth, the give and take in the bed is a good thing. We’re not stuck in some insane idea of love that it is all about giving. It can’t be because it is not charity and we are not missionaries. But at the same time, you can’t and shouldn’t be keeping score.
Relationships are living, breathing entities. You should both give pleasure and receive it–you totally deserve the Big O, as many as you can handle, maybe even more than you can handle. But love, pleasure, and intimacy are languages and not numbers. A calculated approach to sex might even be detrimental to your relationship, it is certainly not a good pleasure principle.
For lovemaking to remain exciting it has to be playful, full of improvisations, unexpected twists, turns, and knots and (subtle plug-in, have you tried our Tie? You won’t be able to think of anything else when using it in bed).
So, how do you know if you’ve been unknowingly keeping count all along?
The jingle-jangle warning bells
Pressure: Even seemingly healthy relationships are often hiding enormous amounts of guilt. If you are constantly worrying about pleasing your partner enough, if you are consistently feeling that you should be doing more because they do, then chances are you’re accidentally making sex transactional. Even if it’s the other way around: if you are the partner that gives more and therefore, expects more.
Bodies on silent mode: If your partner is unable to read your body, understand your desires, if you have stopped experimenting together and you just do ‘favors’ to each other, if the frequency of sex is constantly fluctuating depending on mood, then—I am sorry to break the news— you are in a sexual rut. But the good news is— and we are all about good news— the highway to intimacy and pleasure passes through here.
The joyride that is sex
Communicate, create and celebrate: You and your partner have distinct sexual needs, wants and desires, and they should always be out in the open. Share without the fear of judgement and encourage your partner to do the same. Go the extra mile in fulfilling your partner’s desires and find joy in that. Pleasure is a boomerang that will find you, have patience.
Couples that explore together, stay together. Too much advice? Let’s break it down a bit.
Be the mad scientist in bed: Experimentation is the throbbing pulse of a sexual relationship. Rut is always around the corner; it is up to you how you keep it at bay and keep things exciting. Encourage your partner to explore new sexual taboos, roleplays and positions. Our beginner-friendly but extremely experienced sex toys (Lit Massager or Flex Massager) will have you/your partner screaming for more.
The pre and post-sexual care: Intimacy is not just about what happens between the sheets, but also about what happens on the couch, in a chair or in the car. We’re not just talking about making out. We are talking about flirty texts, about taking showers together, about watching your favourite intimate or romantic scenes from films and TV shows together, even dancing! All these small small acts create a giant communication flow that is invisible but highly intimate. When you feel a strong desire for your partner because they make you happy, transactions go out of the window automatically. Because then all you want to do is return the pleasure tenfold.
Reciprocity kills transaction: It is ironic but one of the most effective antidotes to a transactional sex and one of the best booster doses for sexual intimacy is reciprocity. Ditch overthinking, do things for each other, nothing brings people closer than constantly displaying your love for each other in small and big acts. Sometimes the best way of returning a sexual favour is not by doing a sexual favour but by doing something completely different; maybe a gesture of love and caring that is spontaneous and that showcases how attuned you are to each other’s needs and desires.
Now that you know what to do, what are you waiting for? Dim the lights, light the candles and hey…whatever you do next, just make sure you’re leading with love.
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About the Author
Vidisha is a screenplay writer who also loves writing the occasional blogs. She's smitten by all things funny, sassy, and creative. And has the penchant for cracking the odd joke. She also wrote this bio.
