I try to think back to the first time I actually understood what the clitoris was. It wasn’t until I was 20, or maybe even later. And if you’re a woman, this isn’t even surprising. Guys grow up with full-blown TED Talks about their dicks, complete with diagrams. But the clit? Never mentioned, like anywhere, not schools, not by parents, not by anyone. 

The wildest part is that my discovery was fully accidental. No one sat me down even at 20 and said, “Here’s a crucial part of your body, and also, it’s literally built for pleasure.” Nope. I pieced it together through scattered info, half-baked internet searches, and sheer trial and error. And for the longest time, I only knew about the tiny lil’ pearl on the outside, not even realizing it was so much bigger underneath.

Why is this the story of every woman? And more importantly, how do we change it?

Firstly, understand the entire anatomy: 

Oh, honey, the clit is way more than just that lil’ nub you see! It’s like an iceberg; what’s visible is just the tip. This powerhouse of pleasure actually extends deep inside, with two wing-like structures (called crura) that wrap around the vaginal canal and two bulb-like parts (vestibular bulbs) that swell when aroused. It’s packed with around 8,000 nerve endings. Yep, that’s double the amount in a penis! And guess what? Its only job is pleasure. No pee, no babies, nothin' other than orgasmic volcanoes of joy. 

So, why are we not talking about it often?

The clit has been on ghost mode in conversations for centuries, and you can thank patriarchy for that. Society’s been out here running on gendered scripts that center male pleasure, while female pleasure gets shoved into the shadows. For ages, people straight-up ignored the clit in anatomy books. Seriously, it wasn’t fully mapped until 2005. People were sent to space before they discovered and understood the clit, and that’s not sarcasm. 

Add in cultural shame, purity myths, and the idea that “good girls” shouldn’t talk about pleasure. Boom - one of the most powerful parts of the human body gets treated like a dirty secret.

I went on a full rant about this cultural ignorance of the clitoris, but after fussing so much about this problem, I also want to focus on changing it now. And tbh, I can’t do this comeback tour alone. So, how do we rally the troops and put her back in the convo where she belongs? 

"How do we make children” is not the only sex-ed:

Most of us got the bare-minimum version of sex ed. Basically, how are babies made? a survival manual on how not to get pregnant or, at the most, avoid STDs. But what about the thriving manual? The one that actually teaches us about pleasure, the clitoris, and how sex isn’t just something that happens to women but for them too?

We need pleasure-focused sex ed, and we need it yesterday. Schools should be talking about the clit, orgasms, and how pleasure is a normal (and important!) part of sex. But honestly, most institutions are moving at the speed of a snail on a treadmill. We need to take matters into our own hands. Support organizations are already pushing for better sex ed, like yours truly. Hype up online educators like Neha Bhat and Emily Nagoski. If you have younger siblings or friends still getting their info from outdated textbooks, be the one to talk to them.

Girl Gossss: 

Guys cannot shut up about their penis when they talk about sex. Meanwhile, us girls? We’ll chat about penetration, sure, but the clit? Suddenly, it’s like we’re sworn into some underground secret society where mentioning it requires a secret handshake and a blood oath.

For your next brunch with besties, here’s what you can do: Slip in a casual, “So, what’s everyone’s go-to move for a guaranteed orgasm?” Talk about your clit. Let’s make it a thing to share tips, experiences, and horror stories (because we all have them). 

If someone says, “I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm,” don’t let that slide. Hype her up, hand her a sexy toy recommendation, and make sure she knows the clit is her bestie for life.

Pop culture needs to step up its game: 

Listen, we love a good steamy movie moment, but can we please stop making it seem like women can orgasm from two pumps and a prayer? The clit is being criminally underrepresented in the media, and it’s giving bad sex for everyone involved.

We need more characters like Samantha from Sex and the City and less of whatever nonsense is happening in mainstream rom-com sex scenes. If a show or movie gets it right, Instagram it. Recommend it to your girlfriends. When you see a scene where the dude jackhammers for 30 seconds, and she somehow has a full-body orgasm? Call it out. Comment on posts, make an Insta story roasting the ridiculousness, and make people aware of how wrong the media has been getting this for way too long.

Let's get more sex toysss: 

No, vibrators are nothin’ to be ashamed about. If you’ve ever gifted a friend a fancy candle or a luxe face mask, consider upgrading to a sex toy next time. They should be as mainstream as makeup, without the shame and secrecy of wanting to make your clit happy. Let’s put our moniesss where our orgasms are.

Change the way we talk to partners: 

Bad sex is a team effort. One of the biggest reasons the clit stays in the shadows is because people aren’t talking about it in the bedroom. Too many guys are out here treating the vagina like a one-stop shop when the main character is sitting right above it.

If your partner isn’t giving your clit the attention it deserves, tell them. Nicely but directly. Stop fake-moaning for mediocre experiences and start guiding them toward what actually works. If they’re truly clueless, send them links, watch sex-ed videos about the clit together, or introduce them to a vibrator. A good partner wants to know what makes you feel good. All you’ve to do is help them help you.

We’ve spent too long acting like the clit is some niche topic when it’s literally a foundational part of pleasure. But change doesn’t just happen, we make it happen. So, let’s make sure future generations aren’t stuck Googling, “How do I find the clitoris?” because no one ever taught them. Take the first step today, all I want you to do is touch your clit. Look into the mirror while doing it. 

We’ve spent way too long treating the clit like it’s some niche topic when, in reality, it’s the headliner of pleasure. But change doesn’t just magically happen, we make it happen. So let’s do future generations a favor and make sure they never have to desperately Google, “Where exactly is the clitoris?” 

And I want you to take step one today. Touch it. Seriously. Get to know your own anatomy. Look in the mirror while doing it.  It’s your body, and the power that’s always been yours.

Author Bio:

Hemali (she/her) is an explorer of the realms of sexuality, intimacy, and dating. She talks endlessly about the evolving landscape of feminist narratives on the big screen and makes you reanalyze the portrayal of women in mainstream culture. If you're looking for alternative conversation starters, take your pick from Biryani, Art Fairs, or Spoken Word Poetry.