Very recently, one of my girlfriends told me about her latest date. It went really well, and she got him home. It was all good, great. However, while making out, he said, “ I don’t go down, I hope you don’t mind haan.” And this was even before she could say anything at all!

It’s a bizarre paradox: blowjobs are basically a given, a default setting, an unspoken rule. But when it comes to returning the favor? Suddenly, there’s a whole essay’s worth of excuses. Ready at the tip of the tongue, more often than not.

The Great Indian Oral Sex Gap: Where’s the Root Cause?

Blame it on porn, patriarchy, or plain old bad sex ed, but the conditioning runs deep. The vast majority of men are getting their sex education from other men - whether that’s through porn, locker-room talk, or Bollywood’s horrendously outdated (but thankfully evolving) depiction of intimacy. And what do all these sources have in common? They put male pleasure front and center. Blowjobs are mandatory, but cunnilingus? Optional at best, emasculating at worst.

Society, with its oh-so-reliable sources, has done a stellar job of drilling one message into our brains: male pleasure isn’t just important; it’s a duty. And that creates a twofold problem. Men grow up thinking it’s totally fine to skip over women’s pleasure, and women, having absorbed the same conditioning, put their partner’s satisfaction ahead of their own, rarely asking for what they want.

But here’s the real tragedy - because so many women never ask, never push back, never guide men who genuinely don’t know better, they miss out on discovering just how mind-blowingly good it actually feels. I’ve seen it happen to my own girlfriends. And trust me, you don’t know what you’re missing until you finally get it. 

A lot of this also comes from the way sex is framed in most heteronormative conversations. Penetration is the main event, the end goal, the real sex. Oral sex is either a warm-up or a bonus, and when it’s done for a woman, it somehow becomes an act of service instead of a standard part of intimacy.

The result of all this? A deeply ingrained imbalance in oral pleasure.

And here’s the part that really grinds my gears: 

Women will literally push past their discomfort just to make sure their partner is satisfied. Even if they don’t love the act, they’ll still do it because they care. Meanwhile, men? The moment they feel even slightly “grossed out,” it’s game over. No second thought, no “let me try for you,” just a flat-out no. The entitlement is insane, especially coming from the same guys who expect a blowjob like it’s part of the universal girlfriend package. 

Tbh, if the roles were reversed and women collectively decided that blowjobs were “not their thing,” society would probably have a full-blown crisis on its hands.

The Excuses (And Why They Suck): 

“Vaginas taste weird.” Do you think penises taste like strawberries and honey? Hygiene is a two-way street. If you’re expecting her to go down, the least you can do is match her energy. A little grooming, a little hygiene, and a little less entitlement go a long way.

“Not sure how to do it.” Google exists. So does communication. If you can spend hours perfecting your FIFA skills, you can invest five minutes in learning how to give a decent head. And here’s a cheat code for ya: just ask her what she likes. Enthusiasm beats expertise every time.

“Never done it before.” Okay? Try something new. You weren’t born knowing how to drive, but you figured that out. No one expects you to be a pro on the first try, but refusing to even attempt it? That’s just laziness dressed as inexperience.

“Too much work.” If she can muster the effort, so can you. Good sex is about mutual pleasure, and if you’re too lazy to reciprocate, maybe you’re not mature enough to be having sex in the first place.

But Here’s the Good News: Things Are Changing

Thankfully, the tides are turning. Pop culture is finally stepping up. Newer Indian web series, like the latest Mirzapur season, are ditching the outdated shame. And these small moments in mainstream media? They matter. The more we see it, the less taboo it becomes.

Gen Z guys are also leading the charge. With more open conversations around pleasure, consent, and sex positivity, they’re actively unlearning the old “head-for-me-but-not-for-thee” mentality. I mean, I have a friend who proudly talks about how much he loves going down on women, something I couldn’t have imagined hearing just a few years ago.

Meanwhile, women are done with quietly accepting pleasure inequality. More and more are calling out partners who take but don’t give, raising the bar for what good sex actually looks like. And that? And that’s exactly how we rewrite the rules.

So, How Do You Actually Get Your Partner to Do It?

First, let’s be clear: no one should ever be forced to do anything they’re uncomfortable with. But if your guy is hesitant, uninformed, badly conditioned or just plain lazy about oral sex, you’ve to nudge him in the right direction.

Start by normalizing the conversation. If you’re comfortable giving oral, it’s only fair to expect the same in return. This isn’t some grand romantic gesture or a once-in-a-blue-moon act of generosity, it’s a fundamental part of intimacy. If he’s been coasting through life thinking otherwise, it’s time to shift that perspective. Make it clear that you see it that way, and let him sit with that truth.

Then, call out the double standards. Ask him why blowjobs are seen as a standard practice but cunnilingus isn’t. Let him actually sit with that thought. Silence is uncomfortable, use it. If he doesn’t have a good answer, that’s something that he needs to reflect a bit upon.

If he claims he’s intimidated, unsure, or has simply never done it before - help him out. Guide him, show him what you like, and make it playful. Break the idea that there’s one magical ‘perfect technique’. What actually matters? Effort. Curiosity. A willingness to learn. 

If he’s carrying shame around it, be patient but firm. A lot of people have to unlearn the nonsense they were fed about sex. Support the process, but please honey, don’t let it drag out forever. There’s a difference between learning and stalling.

And most importantly, don’t settle for less. If he’s outright refusing with zero intention of ever trying, ask yourself if you’re truly okay with that. Because in the end, sexual compatibility matters.

And most importantly, don’t settle for less. If he’s outright refusing with zero intention of ever trying, ask yourself if that’s something you’re truly okay with. Sexual compatibility, and more importantly, feminism isn’t some throwaway detail. It matters. And if he’s comfortable enjoying what you give but unwilling to return the favor, well, that says more about him than he probably realizes.

At the end of the day, pleasure should be a two-way street, not a one-sided subscription service. If you have a partner who expects a great head but is not even willing to try and do the same for you? That’s not a high sex drive, that’s a high entitlement drive. Bbygirl, please fix it or find a better one.

And hey, if your partner is still stuck in the dark ages of “I don’t go down,” maybe it’s time to invest in something (or someone) that actually prioritizes your pleasure. Vibrators, suction toys, and a good bottle of lube can do more for you than an unenthusiastic partner ever could. Because let’s be real—if he won’t put in the effort, there are plenty of tools (and men) that will.

Author Bio:

Hemali (she/her) is an explorer of the realms of sexuality, intimacy, and dating. She talks endlessly about the evolving landscape of feminist narratives on the big screen and makes you reanalyze the portrayal of women in mainstream culture. If you're looking for alternative conversation starters, take your pick from: Biryani, Art Fairs, or Spoken Word Poetry.