If your sex life year-end review lands at "Good but can be better," that's actually perfect—room to grow together.
That’s exactly why an Annual Sex & Intimacy Review exists—to stop your relationship from running on autopilot and start treating pleasure like something you both actively design, not passively receive.
What Is An Annual Sex & Intimacy Review?
Think of it as a year-end review for your sex life—but with snacks, zero HR, and a lot more kissing. Clinical psychologist and psychosexologist Karen Gurney describes it as a dedicated sit-down where couples check in on their sex life and openly discuss hopes for the year ahead.
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It’s a 60–90 minute honest-but-kind conversation where both partners look back on their sexual years: what worked, what didn’t, what was missing, and what pleasantly surprised them.
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Instead of “Who’s at fault?”, the attitude is “What did we learn, and what do we want more of next year?”
You’re not judging your sex life; you’re upgrading it.
Why Couples Should Do This (Therapist POV)
Sex therapists like Karen Gurney emphasize that these reviews facilitate open communication, preventing issues from festering and keeping sparks alive in long-term relationships. The Gottman Institute echoes this, noting that regular rituals around discussing sex build emotional and physical connection, far more intimate than sex itself.
From a sex therapist lens, couples who talk regularly about sex—without blame—tend to have:
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Higher sexual satisfaction, better emotional connection, and fewer “we just drifted apart” stories.
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Less resentment about mismatched desire, frequency, or fantasies, because nothing festers in silence for years.
Most couples only talk about sex when something is wrong or when there’s a fight.
An Annual Review flips that: you create a safe, scheduled space so the hard stuff doesn’t explode later.
The Ground Rules (So No One Shuts Down)
Before you start, set some non-negotiables, as recommended in relationship check-in protocols from therapists like those at The Couple Summit.
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It’s about “us”, not “you always / you never”.
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No eye-rolling, no shaming, no weaponising what’s said later.
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Curious questions only: “Tell me more about that,” “Can you give me an example?”
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You can pause at any point and take a breather; this is not a hostage situation.
Make this feel like a cozy ritual, not a performance review:
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Dim lights, cosy seating, water/wine/tea, phones on silent.
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Decide how you’ll end the review (hug, cuddle, a walk, or sex if it feels organic).
Step 1: The 3 Highs (Start With The Good Stuff)
Always begin with what went right. This creates safety and softens defences, a key tactic in Gottman Method check-ins.
Prompt each partner:
These could be:
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“We tried toys for the first time.”
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“We got better at cuddling and not rushing.”
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“You started telling me what you actually like.”
Let each person share all three without interruption.
Then respond with appreciation, not self-critique:
This section quietly tells both nervous systems: We’re on the same team.
Step 2: The 3 Challenges (Kind, Not Cruel)
Now move into the trickier territory—but gently, using “I” statements as advised by sex therapy experts.
Prompt:
Examples:
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“I was often too tired or stressed to be present.”
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“I wanted more spontaneous hugs from you.”
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“Sometimes I felt we could connect more playfully.”
Guidelines:
Try responses like:
If something stings, note it for later, breathe, and stay in the conversation. This is the stuff that, when aired now, doesn’t become a 2027 breakup story.
Step 3: The 3 Desires (The Fun Future Bit)
Now the juicy part: turning feedback into fuel. Esther Perel highlights how such forward-looking talks uncover emotional needs behind fantasies, broadening sexual repertoires.
Prompt:
These can be specific and small, not just “more sex”:
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“One dedicated ‘no phones, just us’ night a week.”
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“More slow, sensual sex—not always rushed.”
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“Trying that fantasy we joked about once (you in that outfit).”
Make space for:
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Sensual desires (more touch, kissing, cuddling).
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Sexual desires (positions, toys, kinks, frequency).
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Emotional desires (feeling wanted, being complimented, feeling safe to say no).
If something is a “maybe” for you, say that:
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“This scares me a bit, but I’m open to exploring it slowly.”
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“Not right now, but we can start by talking about it more.”
This is where couples move from vague dissatisfaction to a concrete, exciting direction.
Step 4: Turn It Into Tiny, Doable Actions
A review without action is just a nice chat. Therapists stress turning insights into micro-habits for lasting change.
Ask:
Examples:
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Commit to one monthly “sex date” or “intimacy night” (no chores, no screens, just touch and closeness).
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Try a new thing once a month: a toy, a position, a fantasy-adjacent scenario.
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Add a micro-ritual: a 6-second kiss every day, a nightly 2-minute cuddle, or one compliment about the other’s body daily.
Keep it tiny and specific:
Step 5: Close The Review With Connection
How you end this conversation matters. Gottman experts recommend affirming each other to reinforce trust.
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Thank each other: “Thank you for being honest with me.”
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Name one thing you’re excited about trying together.
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Decide when you’ll do a mini check-in (maybe after 1 month) to see how changes feel.
If both of you feel emotionally close and not flooded, intimacy or sex after this can feel especially deep, because you’ve just chosen each other on purpose.
If someone is overwhelmed, end with cuddling or a walk instead. The goal is safety, not pressure.
Why This Is Non-Negotiable For a Great Sex Life
In long-term relationships, sex rarely dies suddenly.
It erodes in tiny ways: tiredness, unspoken hurt, boring routines, fear of asking for “too much”. Karen Gurney warns that without scheduled talks, issues only surface defensively during conflict.
An Annual Sex & Intimacy Review:
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Catches those tiny cracks before they become chasms.
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Keeps desire alive by making curiosity and communication a ritual, not an emergency measure.
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Helps both partners feel seen—as lovers, not just co-parents, co-workers, or co-tenants.
You don’t need the “perfect relationship” to do this.
You just need two people willing to sit down once a year and say:
“We care about our pleasure enough to talk about it.”
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