Every December, India turns into the strangest cultural buffet.

There’s Christmas décor in malls, Mariah Carey in every café, and that one friend who insists on wearing a Santa hat to the office because “festive, yaar.” Meanwhile, half the country is pretending winter still exists, despite global warming, Delhi pollution, and the fan still running at full speed.

And somewhere in the North Pole (location disputed), Santa’s doing his annual audit. But this time, he’s had it with the usual socks-and-chocolate nonsense.

This year, he’s reviewing who, and more importantly, which toys made his Naughty and Nice list.

Yes, Spicy Santa is in the building. And he’s brought receipts… plus a bill from last year’s office Secret Santa drama.

Think of this as a gifting guide for couples, singles, long-distance situations, and that one best friend who pretends to be shy but single-handedly wrecks the ‘recommended for you’ section.

The Desi Chaos Claus

Let’s be honest: Indian December is not serene snowfall and roasted chestnuts.
It’s work deadlines, family weddings, office Secret Santa, and everyone pretending they’re totally fine even though the group chat has turned into emotional Jenga.

Santa took one look at the desi situation and said:
“Okay wow. These people need help… and possibly better toys.”

So here it is: Santa’s Very Desi Audit, powered by That Sassy Thing’s best troublemakers and joyfriends.

The Naughty List

(Santa reviewed this once, blushed, and had to go wash his face.)

These are the toys that made Santa say, “Ho-ho-HOLD UP.”
Too spicy, too fun, too tempting for the usual list… So basically, for our people.

1. Thrill

Built for couples who like a little holiday suspense. One of you gets the remote (which vibrates too!), the other gets very aware of it. Thrill turns innocent plans into silent negotiations: a press, a pause, a look across the room. Naughty, buzzy, and impossible to ignore.

Santa tried it once and immediately added it to the Naughty List. “For couples,” he said. We believe him.

Why Santa Recommends Thrill

Santa likes Thrill because it doesn’t believe in doing all the work alone.

Unlike most remote-controlled toys, both the massager and the remote vibrate, which means pleasure isn’t one-sided or hierarchical unless you want it to be. One of you can wear it, the other can tease… and still be having a very good time themselves.

It’s whisper-quiet, designed for close-range mischief (same room energy), and built for people who enjoy shared control, subtle power games, and long looks that say “press it again and see what happens.”

Santa also appreciated that Thrill is:

• Easy to slip in and out (use your imagination. He did)

• Discreet enough for adventurous plans

• Designed for couples who like to play together, not perform set roles

Margin notes: “Mrs. Claus says sharing is the true spirit of Christmas.”

2. OG

OG doesn’t try too hard. It doesn’t need to. Confident, classic, and quietly powerful, this is the toy equivalent of that one ex who ruined the dating pool because now your standards are unreasonable. Santa respects the authority.

Why Santa Recommends OG

Santa recommends OG for people who already know their body, and aren’t interested in guessing games.

OG is designed for depth, girth, and consistency. Its flexible head and solid length make it reliable for both external and internal stimulation, especially when fingers or smaller toys just don’t quite reach the right spots.

With multiple steady vibration modes (not chaotic surprises), OG is ideal for:

• People who like strong, full sensations

• Anyone who enjoys internal play alongside external exploration

• Those who want one toy that works solo, during partner play, or when you just want to get straight to the point

Santa put OG on the Naughty List because it’s unapologetic. No teasing. No warm-up monologues. Just dependable pleasure with excellent posture.

Margin notet: “Mrs. Claus says this belongs under the tree.”

3. Fiddle

Made for curious hands, restless minds, and long days pretending to be invested in cousin number four’s wedding rituals. Small, travel-friendly, and very good at turning “I’ll just rest for five minutes” into a disappearing act.

Fiddle thrives on exploration, distraction, and quiet fun between events. Santa even packed it in his sleigh for last-minute wedding gifts, called it dangerously cute and promptly refused follow-ups.

Why Santa Recommends Fiddle

Santa recommends Fiddle because sometimes fingers need a promotion.

Fiddle is a wearable finger massager designed for external pleasure, especially during partnered play. You slip it on, it stays put, and it quietly does its job while the rest of the action continues uninterrupted. No juggling toys. No losing rhythm. Just better teamwork.

Santa liked that Fiddle:

• Keeps pleasure hands-on and intuitive

• Is compact, discreet, and easy to travel with

• Works beautifully for solo moments and shared ones

• Turns “I’ll just lie down for a bit” into a very productive break

• Is perfect for people who want stimulation during partner play, not before or after

Santa put Fiddle on the Naughty List because it looks innocent, behaves impeccably… and then ruins your schedule.

Margin note: “Mrs. Claus says this is staying in her handbag.”

5. Swipe Right: Card Game

Technically a game. Functionally? A liability.

Some cards feel harmless. Others feel like an HR violation waiting to happen. Rumor has it a band of mischievous elves designed this in the North Pole workshop purely to watch holiday party chaos unfold. 

Santa pulled one card, coughed loudly, adjusted his hat, and immediately declared it extremely not child-friendly.

Why Santa Recommends Swipe Right

Santa recommends Swipe Right because talking is foreplay, whether people admit it or not.

Swipe Right isn’t about winning or losing. It’s a conversation starter disguised as a game, built to move people past polite small talk and into actual chemistry. The cards ease you in gently, then turn up the heat only if you want to go there. You can skip, pivot, or stop anytime — the fun is in choosing how far the conversation goes.

Santa liked that Swipe Right:

• Works best for first dates, early dating, and “what are we?” situations

• Lets you test vibes before investing feelings (or outfits)

• Can be playful, flirty, or revealing without being forced

• Makes consent and boundaries part of the game, not a buzzkill

Santa put this on the Naughty List because one card is harmless, five cards is revealing, and ten cards is how group chats get screenshots.

Margin note: “Mrs. Claus says this is not allowed at family dinner.”

The Nice List

(Soft, sweet, cozy: the stuff Santa gifts to people who sip chai, sneak in gingerbread, and judge their cousins’ Christmas decor in peace.)

These are gentle, beginner-friendly, and comforting, but still fun enough to keep things interesting.

1. Candy

Sweet, smooth, and easy to love. Candy is a gentle massager designed for soft exploration and feel-good moments, whether solo or shared. Santa approved it for its “no pressure, all pleasure” vibe.

Why Santa Recommends Candy

Santa recommends Candy because not everyone wants fireworks on day one.

Candy is designed for gentle exploration, whether you’re playing solo or sharing the moment with someone else. It works both externally and internally, with a comfortable size, a well-shaped tip, and an ergonomic grip that makes it easy to control. No fumbling, no overthinking.

Santa liked that Candy:

• Feels approachable for first-timers but still satisfying for experienced users

• Lets you explore at your own pace with multiple intensity options

• Is easy to hold, easy to use, and easy to trust

Santa put Candy on the Nice List because it’s patient, dependable, and very good at making people feel comfortable in their own bodies.

Margin note: “Mrs. Claus calls this a gateway vibe.”

2. Rocket

Small, efficient, and surprisingly spirited. Rocket doesn’t demand attention; it earns it. Perfect for people who like their fun compact but effective. Santa called it “efficient joy.”

Why Santa Recommends Rocket

Santa recommends Rocket because sometimes you want results without a learning curve.

Rocket is a bullet massager meant for external use, designed to be simple, effective, and unintimidating. It’s small enough to be discreet, powerful enough to surprise you, and straightforward enough that you don’t need a manual or a pep talk before using it.

Santa liked that Rocket:

• Is beginner-friendly without being boring

• Delivers strong, focused stimulation in a compact form

• Works well for solo play, warm-ups, or quick stress relief

• Travels easily and doesn’t demand a whole personality shift

Santa put Rocket on the Nice List because it’s efficient, well-behaved, and quietly impressive.

Margin note: “Mrs. Claus says size is a marketing myth.”

3. DTF Lube

Down To… Flirt.

Smooth, slick, and here to keep things gliding better than Santa’s sleigh on fresh snow. DTF is all about effortless slides, zero friction, and good decisions made very easily. Santa approved! No stuck situations on his watch.

Why Santa Recommends DTF

Santa recommends DTF because friction ruins moods faster than a bad Secret Santa gift.

DTF is a water-based, pH-balanced lubricant made to work with your body, not against it. It’s smooth without being sticky, gentle without being boring, and designed to keep things comfortable whether you’re using toys, condoms, hands, or just enthusiasm.

Santa liked that DTF:

• Feels natural and non-irritating, even for sensitive bodies

• Works seamlessly with massagers and condoms

• Keeps things mess-free and easy, thanks to the pump bottle

• Is perfect for anyone experiencing dryness, friction, or discomfort

Santa put DTF on the Nice List because it prevents problems before they start.

Margin note: “Mrs. Claus says this is non-negotiable.”

4. Tickle

Tickle’s tongue action flutters like mistletoe sparks and sips of spiced mulled wine. It teases, swirls, and coaxes big “O”s like perfectly falling snowflakes: slow, deliberate, and absolutely festive. Santa nearly traded his sleigh for it.

Why Santa Recommends Tickle

Santa recommends Tickle because teasing is an art form.

Tickle is an external-use massager designed to mimic oral-style sensations, with a soft flicking tongue on one end and a powerful vibrating tip on the other. It’s for people who like variety — slow build-ups, playful pauses, and the option to switch gears when patience runs out.

Santa liked that Tickle:

• Focuses on external pleasure, making it approachable and beginner-friendly

• Lets you choose between gentle teasing and direct stimulation

• Feels soft and flexible, not pokey or overwhelming

• Offers range from “take your time” to “actually, don’t”

Santa put Tickle on the Nice List because it’s attentive, generous, and knows when to slow down.

Margin note: “Mrs. Claus says patience is overrated.”

So… Which List Are You On?

Here’s the quick gossip Santa left in the margins:

Naughty List = For people who like sparks, drama, bold moves, and at least one “okay we need a minute” pause.

Nice List = For shy babes, first-timers, soft couples, cozy moments, and long-distance lovers keeping things sweet without setting off any alarms.

And yes, you can mix and match.
Thrill for an outdoors date? Surprisingly chaotic fun, just saying.

Candy for your best friend? Peak gift-giving behaviour.

Santa strongly supports balanced chaos.

Conclusion: Pick Your Poison, Babe

Some people deserve coal.

You?

You deserve pleasure with good branding.

Whether you’re a Naughty-list menace or a Nice-list sweetheart, Santa’s got something for you. And if you switch lists depending on the day (deeply relatable), even better.

Go forth and shop.

Spicy Santa is watching. Proudly.

About the Author

Madhu (she/her) has been an avid reader of all things spicy since her childhood. She writes sassy blog posts and listicles now so that others may benefit from her wholly inappropriate, wholly informative tastes, too.