A loving guide for the well-meaning but occasionally foot-in-mouth folks among us. 

Let's be real: most of us strive to be kind, inclusive, and respectful. But sometimes, our curiosity or assumptions lead us to say things that hit the wrong note. Especially when it comes to queer folks, there’s a fine line between genuine interest and unintentional insensitivity.

The truth is, most queer folks are already exhausted, having to explain, educate, and defend their existence on the daily. So if you truly want to be an ally, it starts with knowing what not to say — even if your intention comes from a good place.

Here’s a list of common questions and comments that queer folks often hear — and why it’s time we stop asking them. This is to help you show up better, speak with more care, and avoid being that person at the party.

1. “So... who’s the man and who’s the woman?”  

This one’s a classic — and not in a good way! We understand people wanna fit us into molds of heterosexuality, but queer relationships aren’t just rewrites of those norms. Two women, two men, a non-binary pair — we don’t slot into “his” and “hers.” Try asking how they support and love each other instead. 

2. “What’s in your pants though?”  

First of all, what happened to hi, hello? This isn’t Game of Thrones — we don't need a dramatic viewing. Moreover, genitals don’t even determine gender. So unless you’re our doctor or partner, it’s not your business. Curiosity doesn’t justify intrusion.

3. “Isn't this just a phase?”  

This question undermines the reality of queer identities — especially for young people figuring themselves out. Nobody asks straight folks if their sexuality is just a phase! Believe people when they tell you who they are.

4. “You don’t look gay/bi/trans/etc.”  

Queer folks don't ‘look’ a certain way. It's not like we're a Pinterest board of rainbows and side shaves. We don't owe it to others to perform our queerness. We look just like anyone else— like teachers, lawyers, drivers, artists, siblings. There’s no aesthetic requirement to be a part of the LGBT+ community.

5. “Hey, my friend is gay/bi/trans too — do you know them?”  

We get it, you’re trying to connect. But no, we don’t all know each other. Queerness isn’t a small-town club — and even if we do know them, it’s not always a bonding point. You can ask if they know of popular queer organizations, artists, and creators though!

6. “When did you decide to be queer?”  

This one implies choice — as if queerness is a lifestyle hobby. People don’t “decide” to be queer any more than they decide their eye color. What many do decide, though, is to live authentically. And that deserves respect.

7. “Do you have a real name?”  

If someone shares the name they use, that is their real name. For many trans and non-binary folks, choosing a name that reflects who they are is an act of joy and survival. Use it — and if you mess up, correct yourself and move on.

8. “How do your parents feel about it?”  

Some queer folks have supportive families. Others don’t. And many have a contentious relationship with their folks. Unless they offer this info freely, don’t dig. It’s not your place to unpack their trauma over coffee.

9. “Can I ask you something super personal?”  

Spoiler: you just did. If it’s not something you'd comfortably ask a straight, cisgender colleague at lunch, maybe rethink it. Being queer doesn’t mean being open to invasive questions (Unless they’ve already agreed to answering your questions!).

10. “Will you take me shopping / help me find a date / be my gay bestie?”  

Queer people aren’t props for your glow-up montage. They’re not matchmaking machines or walking fashion statements. Be friends with queer folks because you like them — not because you want a makeover montage.

Final Word

If you’ve asked one (or more) of these things before — don’t panic. Most of us have stumbled at some point. What matters is that you’re open to listening, learning, and doing better.

Being a true ally isn’t about having all the right words — it’s about showing care, asking thoughtful questions, and knowing when silence is more respectful than curiosity.

So next time you meet someone queer, instead of leading with curiosity about their identity — try seeing them as a whole person. Talk about music, books, memes, work, and dreams. That’s where the real connection begins.

Also, check out our blogs on 5 folks share their experiences of queer joy and evolving portrayals of sexualities in pop culture

About the Author:

Madhu (she/her) has been an avid reader of all things spicy since her childhood. She writes sassy blog posts and listicles now so that others may benefit from her wholly inappropriate, wholly informative tastes, too.