So, a bunch of us girls, all in our late-twenties, decided to hit the road for a weekend getaway. It was one of those chill trips where you plan to do nothing but talk endlessly and gorge on junk food. As the evening rolled in and we settled into our cozy Airbnb, wrapped in blankets and armed with snacks, the chat inevitably veered into our love lives. It was the usual mix of eye-rolls and sighs about guys who just don't get it and the whole conversation about where the spark has gone. 

But then, as we dug deeper, we stumbled upon something that caught us all off guard. One by one, most of us confessed: somehow, we just weren't feeling that into it anymore. Like, sexually. It was weird. Here we are, right in the supposed prime of our lives, fresh out of the nest, and the thrill is just fading. 

It wasn't just the single ladies feeling it; even the ones with their so-called "better halves" were nodding along. We were all puzzled. Weren't our twenties supposed to be the golden age of sexual awakenings, not a snooze fest? 

How did we get here? Were we not the generation raised on a diet of Bollywood rom-coms, where the hero and heroine's eye contact alone promised more chemistry than a high school lab? Yet, here we were, struggling to light a spark and wondering why aren’t we feeling so horny anymore?

This is a curious case of disappearing libido, strangely. Could it be because we're all glued to our screens, scrolling endlessly through social media, comparing, despairing, and just plain numbing ourselves to the real pulses of life? Or maybe it's those marathon binge-watching sessions on streaming services that leave us more drained and less inclined to seek out actual human connections, let alone the energy for anything beyond a click to the next episode. Maybe it's the hustle culture - the pressure to have it all - the career, the looks, the social life, that eventually makes us feel anxious and stressed.

Ye libido-libido kya hai?

So what is libido? Simply speaking, libido is essentially our sex drive or our desire for sexual activity. It's influenced by biological, psychological, and social factors. So, whether you're feeling in the mood or the very idea seems exhausting, there might be a complex mix of reasons behind it. While it might seem easy to simplify libido to a basic biological urge or an inherent human instinct, such a viewpoint doesn't align with our modern grasp of sexuality. "Ultimately, libido is our desire for sex, rather than a drive for sex" explains US based clinical psychologist Robin Buckley. That left me wondering whether we have been looking at libido through a narrow lens?

“Think of ‘drive’ as something more primal and urgent, like hunger or thirst—your body signals you need food or water to survive. It's a must-have, a biological push.

On the other hand, ‘desire’ is more about wanting. It's not about survival but about seeking pleasure or emotional connection. It's less about a biological imperative and more about what you're in the mood for. So, when we talk about libido in terms of desire, we're recognising that our interest in sex is shaped not just by our bodies but by our minds and emotions, and even our current life circumstances. It's a broader, more nuanced way of understanding why we might or might not feel like being intimate”, says a couple therapist based in New Delhi, who did not wish to be named. 

That explains a lot! Technically, libido is often seen through a narrow lens, as if it's just a matter of willpower or physical capability. But in reality, it may depend on psychological, and even social factors.

What is the normal libido level and why is it important

This brings us to our next question - what is normal libido?

Normal is quite a restrictive term, isn't it? What feels ordinary or typical for me might be completely different for you. The idea of a 'normal' libido is pretty misleading, I feel, because everyone's different. Just like our personalities, tastes in food, or preferences in music vary widely, so do our sex drives. Our bodies are unique, and they respond to an array of influences—emotional, physical, and environmental—in their own ways. 

For some, being intimate is more than just penetration. It involves cuddling, exploring each other's bodies, and taking the time to connect on a deeper level. If a passionate makeout session feels more fulfilling to you than penetrative sex, that's a reflection of your personal preferences and desires—not an indication of a low libido.

But it's also true that a lot of people just start to lose the urge to be intimate. It doesn't matter if it's about penetration or not; they just don't feel like doing anything that's even a little bit sexual or intimate. This can happen to everyone, irrespective of gender and sexual orientation.

So, why does this happen? And how to increase the libido? 

Why does Libido fall?

When people start to lose interest in getting intimate, it's not easy to put a finger on exactly why it is happening. Life throws a lot at us, and a bunch of different stuff can make our libido take a hit. Stress is a big one. When we're stressed, our bodies are in fight or flight mode, not "let's get cozy" mode. Then there's tiredness. In today's hustle culture, where everyone's always on the go, it's tough to feel in the mood when you're just plain exhausted.

Relationship issues can also play a part. If things aren't great with your partner, feeling close or wanting to be intimate might be the last thing on your mind. Our health affects how we feel, too. Things like hormonal changes or certain medications can really mess with our desire.

And let's not forget the mental side of things. Anxiety, depression, and even how we feel about ourselves can make us feel less interested in sex. It's a mix of physical, emotional, and lifestyle factors, and it's totally normal to go through phases where you're just not feeling it.

Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Center says “For many, sexual desire is no longer a light switch that functions with a quick 'on' or 'off' mode. But that's to be expected. Men need to rethink what they consider 'normal' when it comes to sex drive, and understand that it is okay when it changes.”

For women or vulva owners, a lot of the libido-dropping factors are pretty similar to men, but there are a couple of unique twists. Hormones are a big deal. They change throughout life, and these fluctuations can really impact your sex drive. If you're on certain medications or birth control, these can also mess with your hormones and lower your desire for sex. 

There are certain biological factors too. Painful sex and vaginismus, where the vaginal muscles tighten involuntarily, can make intimacy more of an ordeal than a pleasure. These are not just discomforts; they're significant barriers to a satisfying sex life.

Feeling disconnected from your partner can also put a damper on desire. It’s like trying to dance in sync when you’re not hearing the same music. The issue of discomfort, whether it’s physical or emotional, can act like a big, red stop sign for libido.

How to increase Libidio For Women / Vulva Owners & Men

When I was younger, I used to roll my eyes whenever someone said, "wake up early, exercise daily, and eat well." But as you navigate through adulthood, you realise they were onto something! A lot of your problems really do start to melt away, at least partly, if you stick to these habits. Turns out, it’s the same story here too. So how do we increase libido?

On the question of how to increase female libido, research has shown that working out helps (source: NCBI). A healthy lifestyle approach is one way to help overcome low libido. Specifically, exercises such as Yoga and strength training have been shown to be an effective strategy as it is said to improve sexual function in depressed women not taking medication. Overall, lifestyle changes can really help with your dropping libido. But first, get a checkup with your health-care provider to rule out any medical or physical causes that could be influencing your low interest in sexual intimacy. The solution could involve changing the medication you are taking.

Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein advises managing stress in life by engaging in a healthy lifestyle that includes taking breaks, engaging in exercise, seeking quiet time, and gaining emotional support from those you trust, as it can really help with the causes. 

“Don't pressure yourself to be more sexual; rather, gently explore within yourself if you're concerned by your low desire for sex. If so, talk to a mental health care provider. Don't accept a "new normal" of limited or no sexual desire, no matter how long it's been occurring. Many couples in my practice have cherished sexual re-connection even after long stints of disconnection. Address any relationship issues with your partner that may be coming out sideways in the form of your shutting down as it relates to intimacy and sexual connectivity.

Seek a relationship counsellor if you and your partner feel unable to explore, communicate, and problem-solve what is going on between you”, says Dr Berntsein.

Now we come to our next question; how to increase male libido? Well, these suggestions apply equally for Men as well, as they might have been going through similar issues. In addition to this, Dr. Sharon Bober also suggests focusing on the non-physical side of sex. "Sex and intimacy can mean many things as you age, and focusing more on romance and re-engaging with your partner is a good way to help reignite the sexual spark for both of you," she says. 

Believe me or not, using intimate toys can also spice up your love life and boost your libido. They bring new fun and excitement, helping you explore what you enjoy most. Check out our selection of top-notch vibrators, water based lubrication gel and sex toys that are perfect for shaking things up and adding some extra joy to your personal time!

How to boost your libido - the answer to this is all about taking care of yourself, having open conversations with your partner and keeping things exciting and trying new things, whether that’s toys, different routines, or simply talking openly about desires. Staying curious and open can make all the difference. So, keep exploring and find what makes you feel good!

If you're curious about exploring more about sexuality and intimacy, be sure to check out our blog where we delve into the meaning of kinks and dive deep into the topic of what masturbation is. Understanding these aspects of human sexuality can offer insights into our desires and help us navigate our intimate lives with more confidence and fulfilment. Keep learning and discovering what brings you joy and satisfaction!

FAQs

What is libido and why is it important?  

A. Libido is basically your sex drive. It's important because it's a big part of your overall well-being and intimacy in relationships.

How common is low libido, and what are the factors that can contribute to it?  

A.Low libido is pretty common and can be influenced by stress, fatigue, hormones, and even relationship dynamics.

Can certain foods or nutrients affect libido positively?  

A. Foods like oysters, chocolate, and nuts are said to be packed with nutrients that can give your libido a little boost.

Are there any specific exercises or physical activities that can enhance libido?  

A.Yes, regular exercise, especially workouts like yoga and strength training, can increase stamina and improve your libido.

How do stress and anxiety impact libido, and what are some effective stress management techniques?  

A.Stress and anxiety can tank your libido. Managing stress through meditation, exercise, and proper sleep can really help.

Are there any natural supplements or herbs that can help increase libido?  

A.Studies suggest there are some aphrodisiacs that can help with dwindling libidos, but do consult your doctor before taking a plunge into this.

Can hormonal imbalances affect libido, and what can be done to address them naturally?  

A.Hormonal imbalances can mess with your libido. Natural remedies like maintaining a healthy weight and certain supplements suggested by a medical practitioner might help balance things out.

Is there a difference in how libido is managed for people of different genders?  

A.Yes, men and women might experience and manage libido differently, often because of different hormonal influences and societal expectations.

Written by Disha 

Disha (she/her) believes she's half therapist because people spill their guts to her with ease. But for now, she's writing sassy pieces on the internet about all things fun and pop culture. With a flair for wit and a curious spirit, she is all about digging into the saucy details of human intimacy.