How many times have we zoned out on a bad date because the other person ends up talking at us instead of talking to us? Personally, I have lost count. One would think acting like a decent human would come naturally to anyone putting themselves out there but apparently that’s too much of an ask.

In hopes that other women don’t endure my fate of bad dates, I have decided to gather all my frustration and turn it into lessons. Lessons for men who are willing to learn and take suggestions. Lessons on what to do and absolutely what not to while you are trying to woo someone on a first date. 

Before I begin, I must emphasise that I am no expert in dating (my romantic life is somewhere in the dumps at the moment) and these are not the cardinal rules to follow but merely suggestions that may give you some perspective towards your (unintended) bad behaviour during first dates.

Here’s a few first date questions & etiquettes for men to keep in mind:

• “How are you/how was your day?” are my personal favourites. It gives an idea on how to proceed with further conversation depending on how happy or miserable their day has been.
• I always appreciate when my date shows genuine curiosity about what I do for a living. More follow up questions on work life is always appreciated. 
• Questions around food–what you like/dislike. Never assume all women cook. That being said, bonus points if you cook!
• Focus on topics that get the other person's attention. For instance, I enjoy when dates ask me about my passion outside work, books I have read and loved…
• What kinda music do you like? They can be both Gulzar and Hozier fans. 
• In my experience, recent movies/TV shows are always good conversation starters. I once had a whole debate on 13 Reasons Why with a date that was actually a lot of fun. 
• Ask follow-up questions when you don’t understand something they have said. You must not pretend to know what you don’t know. You are not stupid for not knowing, you are just a curious human trying to learn and evolve. 

Big NO NOs during the date: 

• Checking out other women during the date (I am already put off by you)
• Looking at your phone (why set up the date then?)
• Calling/talking to your mom or someone else (if it’s urgent, take it outside)
• Talking at the date instead of talking to her (I am already imagining you as a bobblehead figurine)
• Bringing up exes/past hookups (we know what you tryna show off, don’t)
• Sliding your net worth (real ew)
• Saying your ex was crazy (no, maybe, you are)
• Blaming your ex for ruining your life (did she really tho?)
• Showing more love for materialistic things than human connections (why?)
• Being overfamiliar (don’t make any assumptions about me, you have just met me!)
• Making causal sexual remarks (I’ll walk out)

To avoid on dates: 

All of us are insecure at times but some capitalise on this insecurity to get laid— oh I am living such a sad life, oh I am more miserable than you can ever imagine. Don’t do that. Life is hard but here’s your chance to make another human connection.

Controversial but big YES:

Please offer to pay on the first date, especially if you have selected the place to meet. If you are broke, select a place you can actually afford. If the woman has suggested a place that’s out of your budget— ask her if you can head to somewhere more low-key but please offer to pay. Unless the date insists on splitting, then do that. Pay-parity is too real, let us get one free meal. 

Cue for intimacy:

If you feel your date wants you to take her home, approach with caution. It’s not always women who want to wam bam thank you ma’am. She genuinely might just want to watch a movie and cuddle or something. Never insist on wanting more than offered in this context. Keep it in your pants and you always have the option of going home and using That Sassy Thing’s hottest toy for menfolk i.e. the Taco male massager. Trust me, the reviews have been through the roof for this product!

First kiss & intimacy:

If it’s leading to intimacy, you’ll know— there will be a lot of touching and flirting. Here, if you feel you want to make a move—ask. Maybe, say- “Hey, I think this will be a good time to kiss,” wait for her response and then plant one. If you have the go ahead for more, start with the neck and then slide your hands on her waist while kissing 🥹don’t grab any part unless you have a resounding yes for it. Move very slowly…

The place sets the mood:

If it’s coffee, keep conversations super light, a bit impersonal but friendly. If coffee leads to dessert, then get personal. If the date is at a bar, DO NOT GET DRUNK, drink slowly and gradually make real intense conversations—alcohol can be a great boost for being vulnerable and unhinged (not creepy). There are lots of activity dates one can have—pottery, Salsa, stuff like that but for first dates I’d prefer coffee or booze.

A must:

Read the room, always. I have been on dates where I am completely zoned out and imagine them as some cartoon characters saying “wack wack” and despite that they have been delulu enough to think they will get another date. Don’t be delulu. Do nice basic things: open the door, pour water, suggest good desserts, make jokes even if they are bad—any attempt at making us laugh will always be appreciated. 

In communication we believe:

Always always be clear with your intentions and communicate exactly that. Casual, serious, with the flow (ughh) but whatever floats your boat, be clear. Even if you are confused, say that so your date can take a call whether you are worth investing. And never waste anyone’s time because you are lonely!

For more fun reads, explore our blog on Indian sex fantasies.

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Questions and concerns about sex have been brewing in Moh Maya’s (she/her) head since she was 10. So she finds it fitting to document the intricacies of sexuality here and in her half-written chapters of a book on love lives of young women from India’s urban and rural spaces. She can be found observing and photographing everyday lives in the neighbourhoods of Mumbai.