This happens in bedrooms everywhere: things are heating up. Clothes are covering upholstery instead of bodies. Somebody reaches for lubrication.

And instead of actual lube, they grab…

Coconut oil.

Or Vaseline.

Or a bottle of lotion.

Or the mysterious multipurpose moisturiser that’s been sitting on the bedside table since the first season of Bridgerton.

Sometimes it gets worse. Much worse.

Liquid soap. 

Butter.

Shampoo (the horror!)

At this point, your vagina is basically being forced to compete on MasterChef.

Look, we get it. Lube feels optional… until you need it. And when you need it, you become incredibly creative. Horny has no bounds, right? 

Unfortunately, your genitals do. They are not particularly interested in innovation.

They're interested in comfort, safety, and not starting a civil war between your pH balance and whatever you just borrowed from the kitchen.

Let's talk about lube. 

First: Why Are We All So Weird About Lube?

Well, partly because we've inherited some strange ideas about it. A lot of people still believe lube is only necessary if something is “wrong”. We just love to pathologize normal bodily functions: “Oh, you need lube?” That must mean you are:

Not aroused enough.

Not attracted enough.

Not doing sex correctly.

…all nonsense.

Bodies aren't vending machines! Desire doesn't always produce lubrication on command.

You might be super wet one day and dry asf the next. Do you know why? 

Stress affects lubrication.

Hormones affect lubrication.

Medications affect lubrication.

The fact that your neighbour's pressure cooker whistles every evening at 7 PM might affect lubrication.

Sometimes your brain is fully on board and your body is running five minutes behind.

That's normal. Lube isn't a sign of failure. If vaginal dryness is something you're dealing with regularly, we've also put together a guide on vaginal dryness, what causes it, and what can help. 

Could you manage without it? Maybe.

Would the journey be smoother if you used it? Also yes.

The Hall of Questionable Lubricants

Let's talk about the things people regularly use instead of actual lube.

1. Spit

The people's champion. The budget option.

The thing that appears in approximately 87% of movies and TV shows instead of an actual bottle of lubricant. It's easy, free, and available on tap, right? 

The problem? Spit dries quickly. Very quickly.

It might work for about three business minutes before disappearing entirely. It's not designed to reduce friction for extended periods.

Which means people often end up reapplying repeatedly and wondering why everything still feels uncomfortable.

Spit isn't evil: it's just underqualified for the job.

2. Water

This one surprises people.

After all, actual lubricant can be water-based. So surely water itself works?

Unfortunately, no.

Water evaporates almost immediately. Which means it creates temporary slipperiness before leaving the chat entirely.

Using plain water as lubricant is a bit like bringing a single Parle-G biscuit to a three-hour road trip.

The intention is there, the logistics are not.

3. Petroleum Jelly (Vaseline)

For some reason, this remains a fan favourite.

Possibly because it looks slippery. 

Possibly because people think, "Well, it's good for dry skin."

Nope. Your vagina would like to file an objection.

Petroleum jelly is thick, difficult to clean away completely, and can increase the risk of irritation and infections. 

It's also not compatible with latex condoms. Which is a problem if you're relying on those condoms to continue being intact. You know, to avoid STDs. Or pregnancy. 

4. Coconut Oil, Olive Oil, and Other Kitchen Celebrities

Every few months, coconut oil gets rebranded as the Beyoncé of wellness.

Hair? Coconut oil.

Skin? Coconut oil.

Relationship problems? Someone on Instagram is probably recommending coconut oil.

The issue isn't that oils feel terrible — many actually feel quite slippery. It's that oil-based products can weaken latex condoms.

Your condoms have one job. One.

Don't weaken them. They're already under enough pressure.

Oil can also be difficult to clean up and may not play nicely with silicone toys. And those are expensive. 

Your kitchen deserves boundaries. So do your toys. 

5. Butter, Mayo, Peanut Butter

I cannot believe this needs saying.

And yet here we are.

No.

Just no.

Absolutely not.

Your genitals are not a sandwich.

You are definitely a snack but your body doesn't need condiments. 

Nobody should ever have to utter the sentence: "I think the lubricant has started separating."

Moving on.

6. Shampoo, Soap, Body Wash

If you've ever gotten shampoo in your eye, you already know where this story ends. Burning sensations. 

Most soaps and shampoos are designed for cleaning, not for friction reduction.

They're not compatible with your vagina. They won't offer intimate comfort.

Actually, they contain ingredients that can irritate sensitive tissues and disrupt the natural balance of the vagina.

Which means what started as a shortcut can quickly become an appointment with your gynecologist.

7. Conditioner and Body Lotion

These often get suggested because they're smooth.

Of course, it feels logical! Until you remember that smooth and body-safe are not the same thing. Many lotions and conditioners contain fragrances, preservatives, and ingredients that aren't meant for internal use.

Your vagina has a very specific ecosystem. It's less "open-concept living space" and more "protected wildlife reserve."

Random products should not be introduced without permission.

8. Honey

Every sex educator reading this just experienced a full-body shiver.

Honey is sticky and sugar can disrupt the vaginal environment. And introducing sugary substances to warm, moist body parts is generally not a recommendation you'll find in medical textbooks.

It belongs on toast, in tea, in yogurt. Not in your vagina.

9. Blood

Look, if you're having sex during a period, menstrual blood itself isn't automatically dangerous. That's not the issue. The issue is treating blood as a lubricant.

Because it isn't one. 

Blood doesn't provide consistent lubrication and isn't designed to reduce friction. Just wait until the platelets start doing their job. 

The Toy Conversation We Need To Have

Now let's talk about sex toys. Because this is where people become even more experimental.

Many toy materials (especially silicone toys) play best with water-based lubricants. Oil-based products can damage certain toys over time. Silicone-based lubricants can also interact poorly with some silicone toys.

Which leaves water-based lubricant. It's like the sensible friend in a horror movie. Not flashy or dramatic, just making excellent decisions.

If you've spent money on a toy you love, you probably don't want to accidentally damage it because somebody on Reddit swore coconut oil was "basically the same thing."

Remember that Reddit thinks every relationship problem can be solved by breaking up.

Let's use discernment.

So What Should You Use?

A good water-based lubricant.

That's it.

That's the tweet.

Water-based lubes are generally compatible with condoms, compatible with most toys, easy to clean, and designed specifically for intimate use.

Which sounds obvious.

But apparently we needed an entire blog to establish that mayonnaise is not a sexual wellness product.

The reason sex educators keep recommending water-based lube isn't because we're all part of some Big Lube conspiracy. It's because it plays well with most condoms, most toys, and most bodies. No weird residue. No kitchen experiments. No wondering whether your moisturizer is about to trigger a yeast infection.

If you're looking for one, DTF Water-Based Lubricant by That Sassy Thing is designed for vaginal, anal, and toy play, without turning your bedside table into a chemistry experiment.

The Bottom Line? 

Sex already involves enough variables: Timing. Communication. Bodies doing mysterious body things. Your playlist unexpectedly shuffling from sexy R&B to the Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham title track.

You don't need your lubricant creating additional plot twists.

The goal isn't to prove how resourceful you are.

The goal is comfort, pleasure, and feeling safe. 

Less friction, both literally and metaphorically.

So the next time you're tempted to improvise with something from your bathroom cabinet or kitchen shelf, remember: Your vagina is not a DIY project.

And your peanut butter deserves a quieter life.

About the Author

Madhu (she/her) has been an avid reader of all things spicy since her childhood. She writes sassy blog posts and listicles now so that others may benefit from her wholly inappropriate, wholly informative tastes, too.