“Wait… are we just roommates who share a Netflix account and a few meals a week?”

Has this thought ever smacked you on a mid-reel-scroll on a random night? Maybe halfway through a reel on “Signs You’re in a Sexless Marriage.”

You pause, blink, and realize - you haven’t had sex in months. There was no fight, not a dramatic breakup. Just… nothing. Life has crept in. Laundry piles, long workdays, and the new puppy that somehow always sleeps between you. And suddenly, you realize, the intimacy is MIA. 

But here’s the thing: this situation is messy. It’s personal. Some couples are totally fine going months without touching. For others, two weeks feels like a crisis. So what even is a sexless marriage? And does it mean your relationship is doomed or just... evolving?

Is your marriage actually sexless?

Just cause you’re not having wild chandelier-swinging sex every week doesn’t automatically mean you’re in a marriage without sex.

Dr. Rachel Becker-Warner, a relationship and sex therapist, throws down a technical definition - 10 times or less a year. Yep, a whole year. But even she admits it’s not that black and white. What counts as sexual intimacy can vary wildly. And boiling it all down to a number? Kinda meh.

Here’s the real tea: You get to decide. Just because the internet screams “you need to be doing it X times a week” doesn’t mean your bedroom needs to follow the crowd. A marriage without sex isn’t always about the physical act. Sometimes it’s also avoiding any pleasure-based touch, even consciously. 

If you’re having less sex than you think you should, but both of you are totally chill about it? You’re fine. No need to spiral.

But if it is bugging one (or both) of you, or you’re lying awake wondering “WTF happened to us?”, then yep - it might be time for a check.

Some signs that things might be...not very okay:

• You legit can’t remember the last time you got freaky.

• The idea of sex feels meh, or straight-up makes your heart ache.

• You avoid even cuddles or kisses ‘cause it might lead to sex, and you're not up for that pressure.

• All kinds of touch (love languages, anyone?) have dipped or disappeared.

• You just feel off or distant from your partner. Emotionally, physically, or both.

Bottom line: There’s no single rulebook. But if you’re not getting your needs met and it hurts, that’s a signal for a slight tweak, not shame.

10 Common Reasons for a Sexless Marriage

Most couples don’t plan to end up in a marriage without sex. It’s not like you wake up one day and go, “You know what sounds fun? Never touching each other again.” Nah. It’s usually more like slow-burn chaos. The early butterflies fade, stress creeps in, life gets wild, and suddenly it’s been months since you last got it on.

So what’s actually behind the bedroom blackout? Let’s unpack the usual reasons why couples have less sex in a marriage:

1. Mismatched Libidos

One of you wants it daily, the other’s fine once every five months. That difference doesn’t mean your relationship’s doomed, but if it’s not talked about? It doesn’t take too long to get there.

 “My ex thought my low libido was me rejecting him. But I just am that way, it wasn’t about him! We stopped bringing it up entirely - and with that, the sex disappeared too.”

2. Erectile Dysfunction

ED is way more common than you think. The big problem here is not the physical aspect of marriage, and no sex. Tbh, that’s a micro side of it.

ED can actually trigger anxiety, shame, and a whole storm of “what’s wrong with me?” feelings. This is especially true for Indian men, given how our culture associates manhood with how good a guy is in bed.

“After it happened a few times, he pulled away completely. I didn’t care about the erection; I just missed the closeness. But he felt so embarrassed, he shut down.”

3. Babies Change Everything

Everyone talks about the baby glow, but what about the baby shutdown? Sleepless nights, healing bodies, body image spirals, and “please don’t touch me, I’ve been touched all day” mode. It’s real. And sometimes the marriage and no sex stretch post-birth lasts way longer than six weeks, because of countless life changes.

“After our second kid, I didn’t want anyone near me for months. I loved my partner, but I felt like a milk machine in stretchy pants.”

4. Mental Health

Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder - all of these can mess with how you feel about intimacy. If your mind is spiraling, your body won’t exactly be screaming “take me now.”

 “When I was deep in my depression, I didn’t even feel alive, let alone sexy. I wasn’t avoiding him. I just couldn’t feel anything.”

5. Past Trauma

If you’ve experienced sexual trauma or abuse, intimacy can carry fear, shame, and anxiety, even years later. You might still feel your body withdrawing because of memories of how you were touched earlier. It’s very tough to move out of this feeling, and to want, or even accept touch and sex as an act of love. 

 “I wanted to be close, but my body kept flinching. I didn’t even realize how much my past was still living in my skin.”

6. Medications That Secretly Steal Your Mojo

Antidepressants, blood pressure meds, antihistamines, and a lot of other meds can sneakily crush your sex drive. Add in recreational stuff (alcohol, weed, nicotine, etc.), and suddenly your body doesn’t have it for sexy times anymore.

 “I finally felt better mentally on my meds, but I couldn’t figure out why I felt so ‘meh’ about sex while I was on them.”

7. Communication? What’s That?

The marriage and no sex talk is hard. If you’re beefing about chores or bills, or just avoiding conflict altogether, the physical stuff often shuts down right along with the emotional connection. And if you never talk about sex? It becomes this weird elephant in the room.

“We weren’t fighting, but we also weren’t talking. I didn’t know how to say, ‘I miss you touching me.’ So we just... stopped.”

8. Health Stuff

Whether it’s chronic pain, hormonal issues, anxiety, or depression - your body and brain are on the same team. When one’s out of sync, your sex drive can take a nosedive. Add in stuff like endometriosis or menopause, and yeah, that forms a cocktail for a sexless marriage.

“When my partner went through a rough patch with their back pain, even cuddling felt off-limits. It wasn’t about us not loving each other, it was just that her body wasn’t on board.”

9. Stress

You’re juggling deadlines, dishes, rent, maybe screaming toddlers, and a car that won’t start. The last thing your brain wants is to shift into sex. Stress messes with your hormones, your energy, your mood, and absolutely everything.

“I wasn’t even mad at him, I was just so tired all the time. We’d crawl into bed, and instead of cuddling, I’d just pass out. I didn’t even notice how long it had been.”

10. Just... Life

Aging, grief, identity changes, body image struggles - all of it affects how we show up in our relationships. Life just keeps happening, and your sex life can get lost in the shuffle.

“After I lost my mom, I didn’t feel like myself for months. My body was there, but I wasn’t. Sex felt like something from another life.”

Bottom line: If sex has taken a backseat, you’re not alone, you’re not broken, and it doesn’t mean the love is gone. But if you’re feeling disconnected and it hurts - that’s your sign to pause, talk, and figure out what’s really going on beneath the sheets (or the silence).

Why It Matters: The Impact of a Sexless Marriage

Oh, it definitely matters - and not just because your favorite agony aunt column said so. 

But my love, a marriage without sex doesn’t automatically mean hopeless. However, if you’re lying in bed night after night wondering, “Um, are we just roommates with shared bills and matching toothbrushes now?” Yeah, it can start to mess with your head.

A dry spell can morph from “we’re just busy lol” to a full-blown identity crisis real quick. Suddenly, you're questioning if they’re still into you, if you’re still into them, or if you’ve both accidentally ghosted intimacy altogether.

And this isn’t just about getting off. It’s about what goes missing with it. We’re talking touch, play, vulnerability, “I see you” energy. When that vanishes, communication takes a hit, emotional closeness dims, and sometimes people start looking outside the relationship for validation (uh-oh). One person might be cool with the no-sex vibe, while the other’s silently spiraling. That mismatch? That’s where the tension brews, baby.

And here's the wild part: a lot of us don’t even realize it’s happening until we're knee-deep in the “Why don’t we cuddle anymore?” phase.

Proven Ways to Reignite Intimacy

So, How Do You Bring the Sexy Back? Well, there’s no official sex-per-month quota for a thriving relationship. What really matters is whether you and your partner are feeling seen, desired, and connected, whatever that looks like for you.

1. Talk About It, But Not Like a Buzzfeed Interview 

This one’s simple in theory, hard in practice: use your words. And not the blaming kind. No “you never touch me anymore” speeches. Try something like, “I’ve been missing feeling close to you lately, and I’d love to talk about how we can reconnect physically.” Vulnerability >>> accusations.

The goal isn’t to tally up how many times you've had sex. It’s to talk about what sex means to you both, how you’re feeling about it, and what needs might be going unmet.

Pro tip: Say it out loud to yourself first before the convo. Practice helps, especially when you’re emotional or nervous.

2. Build That Intimacy, Babe

You don’t have to jump straight into a full-blown sex marathon. Physical closeness is layered: cuddling, kissing, deep talks in bed, even watching reality TV with your feet touching counts. Make time for the little things that say, “Hey, I still choose you.”

Another interesting idea is scheduling sex. This especially helps if your reason is a lot of external stress and life chaos taking over. Don’t roll your eyes. Planned sex can be insanely hot! Flirty texts during the day? A sneaky photo? A cheeky “your ass better be home by 9”? Sexy. As. Hell.

Also, explore non-sex date night ideas: go to a pottery class and make the world’s ugliest bowl together. Try a couples massage. Sit in silence and doomscroll next to each other but with your legs tangled. It all counts. All that connection will slowly start to fuel your desire for each other again.

3. Start Dating Each Other Again (No, Seriously)

A sexless marriage is often a comfy marriage - like, sweatpants-and-watching-the-same-show-on-repeat comfy. But cozy can sometimes slide into disconnected. So let’s bring back a lil main character energy.

Remember how you used to flirt before you were official? The good morning texts, the surprise snacks, the random deep convos at 1 a.m.? Bring that version of you back, even just for ten minutes a day. Buy them their fave coffee. Send a spicy meme. Wear that top you know they like. Treat your partner like your crush again.

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Get Help

Therapy is not just for couples on the verge of breaking up. Sometimes you just need a third party to help navigate the tough convos, unpack mental blocks, or untangle medical stuff. Someone who has the expertise and experience of doing just this!

There are doctors, therapists, and sex educators who specialize in exactly this. And I promise you, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. They’ve heard it all, trust me. All you’ve to do is take the one step of reaching out, for the sake of your relationship.

Remember: love isn’t just about sex - but sex can be a wild, wonderful way we connect, feel seen, feel wanted. And if that spark’s been dim lately? It’s okay to miss it. It’s okay to talk about it. And it’s totally okay to want it back.

You’re not asking for too much. You’re not needy. I promise you, the spark will come back. Take that one brave little step.

FAQs on Sexless Marriage