You’re out for chaat with someone you like. You’ve met each other’s parents. You even share a Netflix account. But whenever you mention “us” or “future,” they go quiet. Or worse, pull out their phone.
Is this a commitment issue or a case of plain old incompatibility? Yup, it’s a valid question. And in the swirl of meetings, coffee, TV shows, and shaadi-pressure, it’s one we rarely ask ourselves loud enough.

Why It’s a Valid Question to Ask Yourself

Because too many of us end up stuck: wondering if we’re waiting for someone to “grow up,” or just waiting in the wrong queue. Are you saying “I love you” and getting “Thanks” in return? Or are you living two different lives and acting surprised when it doesn’t work?

As one Redditor put it:

“If you spend more time unhappy than happy in any relationship it’s the wrong person.” (Reddit)

Exactly. If the “feels right” moments are fewer than the “why am I here?” ones, you’ve got to ask what the problem actually is.

Why People Confuse the Two

The line between fear of commitment and not wanting that person can blur when you’re tired, lonely, or under family pressure.
“We’re just not compatible” gets used as a catch-all when someone’s scared to say “I don’t want you,” or “I’m not ready for you.” One Redditor said:

“Commitment issues are when everything is perfect, and it scares you.” (Reddit)
Ouch, but true.

On the flip side, you might want to commit, but the core things, like values, goals, libido, food preferences (yes, even that) just don’t line up. That’s incompatibility creeping in. Add cultural stuff (“Are we getting engaged? Are we settling? Are we just together because our friends are?”) to this mix, and these questions warp clarity.

Signs It’s a Commitment Issue

Here are red flags if the person’s fear is the problem, not the relationship itself.

• You bring up “serious talk,” they change the subject or joke it off.

• They ghost when you mention future steps (moving in, marriage, meeting parents).

• They always say “Not right now” but continue all the fun bits.

• They’ve had every relationship end because “it just got too real.”

In the words of one Reddit commenter:

“If you’re making up reasons not to commit, it’s you.” (Reddit)

Translation: It’s less about you and more about their issues.

Signs It’s Just Incompatibility

If you feel more drained than energised, this could be the deal-breaker:

• You constantly compromise on things that matter (kids, location, values) and still end up resentful.

• You like them, but you don’t feel safe or aligned with their lifestyle or dreams.

• The “little compatibility issues” keep stacking and none of them change despite talks.

This Reddit user nailed it:

“A fundamental incompatibility makes you feel out of sync… If you’re not okay with compromise, it’s not a compromise—it’s incompatibility.” (Reddit)

So if all the “work” feels heavy and never wins you closeness, it might be the wrong person, not the wrong timing.

In Pop-Culture

Pop culture’s been giving us commitment issues and incompatibility lessons long before we started diagnosing them over iced coffee. Let’s break it down, shall we?

In Bridgerton, Daphne’s ready for marriage, babies, and candlelit declarations. Simon? He’s got abs, trauma, and enough emotional walls to block half of Mayfair. That’s not incompatibility.  That’s a man terrified of intimacy, albeit in a killer waistcoat.

In Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Jake Peralta spends seasons dodging commitment. Amy’s basically his soulmate and he still panics. Once he does the work (and therapy), the fear melts. Classic commitment issue, not mismatch.

Meanwhile, in Friends, Ross and Rachel are everyone’s favorite disaster couple. “We were on a break!” wasn’t the problem! It’s that Ross needed control and Rachel needed space. That’s incompatibility in attachment styles, not just bad timing.

And Bollywood's just as guilty.

In Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani, Bunny treats commitment like it’s a contagious disease, while Naina dreams of stability. He’s climbing mountains; she’s craving roots. They’re not broken, just built for different lives.

Then there’s Tamasha. Ved loves Tara, but can’t love himself enough to commit. That’s not a chemistry problem; that’s a classic “I need therapy before I commit’” situation.

And Wake Up Sid? Sid’s not scared of Aisha. He’s scared of growing up. He’s got commitment issues on top of commitment issues disguised as immaturity.

As one wise Redditor put it:

“A compromise is when both people leave the table happy. If one of you always leaves hungry, that’s not love — that’s incompatibility.”

And just like fiction, real relationships tell the same story. Sometimes it’s fear, sometimes it’s just a mismatch.

Conclusion

So what’s it going to be?
If you’re pulling away every time names, rings or big steps are mentioned, look inward. Maybe it’s a commitment issue. If you’re investing energy, trying hard, and the pieces still don’t click, look outward. Maybe it’s incompatibility.

Here’s the honest truth:
Commitment issues can be worked on when both people are willing and the base is strong. Incompatibility means you’re building on sand.

When in doubt: talk openly. Because clarity — not chemistry — is the real turn-on.

If you’re still unsure what you’re dealing with — a real mismatch or just two people finding their rhythm — it helps to understand how connection actually develops. Our guide From Acquaintance to Stage X: The 4 Stages of Intimacy in a Relationship breaks down what healthy progression looks like.

And if you’re dating someone who seems a little too calm or “unbothered,” don’t write them off just yet. Sometimes the quiet ones surprise you — Signs Your Nonchalant Partner Might Actually Be “The One” dives into why.

A little perspective can save you from overthinking… or worse, settling.

About the Author

Madhu (she/her) has been an avid reader of all things spicy since her childhood. She writes sassy blog posts and listicles now so that others may benefit from her wholly inappropriate, wholly informative tastes, too.