Smooth Talking Your Way to Pleasure
A Guide to Erotic Conversations During Sex
Do you enjoy using your words to get your partner(s) hot and bothered? Is the sure way to send you to peak pleasure during playtime, being called a cumslut? Are you turned on by naughty conversations in a different way than you ever could with touch? Aunt Sassy’s gotchu! Words are powerful. And in this guide, we’re going to run you through how you can use them as potent tools to spice it up with boo. Whether you’re a seasoned filthmaster (*whistle*) or someone who’s looking for a quick crash course (*crowd cheers*), continue reading, cause Aunt Sassy always has something for you to add to your pleasure toolkit–including her self care products, that can get your dirty talk sessions blazing. We’ve also featured some wonderful folks and their experiences of getting frisky with speech.
What is Dirty Talking and Why Does it Turn Us On
Dirty talking is an erotic exchange between partners, designed to convey desire and spark arousal. Depending on your unique pleasure make-up, preferences, and mood, you can smooth talk to your lover as a part of foreplay, or have it be the main event (and get real frisky with it). Your tête-à-tête can include anything from moans of excitement, to scripting out your favourite fantasy together (perhaps the one where you play doctor and patient? *wink wink*).
A study on exploring dirty talk fantasies conducted in 2020, reveals that 93% of women, 90% of men, and 86% non-binary people, fantasise about having erotic conversations. This yearning can be explained by the association of taboo words like “whore” and “daddy” with activation of the amygdala, a site of fear responses in the brain that also controls pleasure, and other erogenous zones in the brain. A, a 24 year-old bi cisman and freelance writer shares, “I get a kick out of being called degrading names or just being minimised in a way, since I'm physically bigger. It really brings me closer to my partners, and just makes it so much hotter, you know?” Pair this mental stimulation with physical touch and it could get real steamy real quick! (Don’t forget to use an intimate lubricant like our DTF, for some super smooth loving.)
Putting Together the Pleasure Blueprint
Paying attention to your own desires can help you put them into words better. Before trying to figure out your erotic communication style together as partners, take some time to understand your own cravings. What experiences have satisfied you in the past? What would you like to try? What about your partner drives you wild? Tapping into what really gets you going can guide you to being more authentic and raw. Try saying out words that entice you, out loud to yourself to get a feel of it. K, a gay cisman working as a journalist, who’s 23, talks about how he and his partner built on the anticipation of an intimate experience they'd already shared together–"I remember the first time we engaged in dirty talk, we were sexting and he said something like, 'Tell me exactly how badly you want it', and I described how every part of my body craved his touch. When we met a week later, we recreated that entire chat in person. We've also kept the names that we'd used for each other.”
Apart from earlier experiences, porn and erotica (text and audio) can also be sources you can draw inspiration from. Once you have a fair idea of what you’d like to explore with dirty talk, it’s essential to discuss the dirty vocabulary that you’d like to use together as lovers. This can include the names you’re longing to call each other, your preferred terms for different body parts, and some boundaries or limits to articulate what’s not welcome in your sesh. R, who’s 23 years old, queer, and non monogamous, shares, ”One of my previous partners wanted to call me a ‘slut’, but wasn't sure if that was a term that I was okay with. He asked me and I expressed that it would make me very happy to have him call me that–not just when we were getting intimate but even otherwise.” N, a straight cisman who’s 24 and non-monogamous, shares, “In my previous relationship, I was exploring degradation. My partner set limits and made sure to let me know when it would get too much and she wanted me to stop. It can be a slippery slope. One minute you're all horny and then you might just say something that hurts them or turns them off. So, communication is key in such situations."
Practising Your Pleasure Scripts
It can be useful to try and remember that an erotic conversation is like a game that you’re playing with your partner to build intimacy. As with any game, it helps to be a good sport and to practise. Add adult toys like the OG to the mix, and you’re on your way to winning those O’s! Co-creating a space where you can safely and comfortably express discomfort and take breaks can help cultivate a dialogue of consent. Framing your lusty lines in a way that also allows you to check in on each other can bring about a lot of ease and can be incredibly hot. For example, phrases like: "Do you want me to taste you?" "Where do you want me to come?" Like with regular conversation, it’s also very possible to have embarrassing and awkward moments–try to laugh at them together! With time you’ll also be able to understand your preferences better. R and N, who are also partners, share their experiences of their raunchy chats together: R says, “I think it's purely in the moment. We're horny like anything for each other and love to get a little rough every once in a while. Dirty talking is just a way of verbally expressing my passion towards my partner.” N, agrees and adds, “It's more about the mood that we're in. On some days, we can be laidback, slow and soft. On others, it's just fiery and super intense.”
Don’t Forget Aftercare
Particularly after a heavy dirty talk session involving humiliation and degradation, one might need to hear affirmations from their lovers about how they really think and feel about them. Ensuring that your partner(s) feel safe and cared for post any intimate session is necessary to creating trust in the bedroom. So discuss what you would like to do, post a dirty talking session and be there for each other, darlings! This could include sharing your heartfelt feelings for each other, tuning into some music and just jamming, and even sharing feedback about your erotic conversation–which should be a must whether it’s during aftercare or otherwise, so you can up your game and hit all the sweet spots of your lover’s mind.
So go ahead, spew some flirtatious filth and get down to it. ;) Aunt Sassy’s rooting for you!
About the Author
Anna (she/they) is a queer, neurodivergent and disabled psychologist and writer. They have always been curious about pleasure and conversations around it (and wanted to found a condom company when they were 12, because of Global North misinformed panic that the climate crisis is a consequence of overpopulation–they’ve learnt better now). They wish to contribute to a world where everyone can enjoy access to pleasure, safely and shamelessly.