Last month, I met a partner of mine after a long time and we decided to spend the night together. In the spirit of us reuniting, I thought what better way to make each other rain than to bring my toy? I ensured he was comfortable with that and obviously, he was more than happy for me to trust him with this experience. Throughout our time together, he was lively and eager for me to teach him how to use my personal massager. In fact, when I used it on his body the first time, the next morning he wanted some more!
Why am I spilling the T about my intimate life, you ask? Well, that experience was so wholesome, it got me thinking: How do couples who use sex toys together feel about it? In order to answer this fundamental question, I got privy to the intimacies of a few couples (and, a poly throuple) and asked them some questions about their relationship, sex life, pleasure, and what their experience has been like including vibrators or sex toys as part of their sexual repertoire. Let’s begin, shall we?
Q1. Was there a conversation/discussion you had before you started using toys during sex? If yes, what was that like?
Couple 1:
A, 24 years | Cis man
S, 23 years | Cis woman
Dating since last year
S: Tbh, we didn’t have any discussion as such, like we didn’t really have a proper conversation but since I had just gotten a toy back then, he was keen on using it with me (and, so was I). It’s a rabbit vibrator, and so we have plenty of room for experimenting with each other, iykwim!
A: I remember the first time she got out the toy while we were together, I asked her how it worked, and TMI, but she literally gave me a demo (a total smoke show, lol).
Couple 2:
P, 27 years | Cisman, Gay
S, 30 years | Queer
Been dating for 4 months
P: We both own toys actually, and he has this masturbator he got shipped from overseas, and I have a prostate vibrator and a bootie plug. Naturally, it came up in our conversations when we had just started dating.
We did talk about exploring kinks and stuff because both of us are deeply into it. And, toys just happened to be a part of that discussion. Since we had explored enough with our other partners in previous relationships, we already knew what we liked, or weren’t comfortable with.
S: I agree, but I also think that for me, using a bootie plug was kinda intimidating at first. And, I remember that the first time it didn’t go really well for me, so I hesitated going in with it for some time. But, P has been there for me, I knew there was no pressure and that we could still have a lot of fun together.
He made that process easier and sexier for me, so I was able to enjoy using our toys. Oh yes, just wanna leave this thing out there - please use condoms while exchanging toys and get tested. Please, please, please!!
Q2. Having sex without toys vs.. using toys during sex – is it any different? If yes, then how?
Couple 3:
R, 25 years | Cis man
M, 25 years | Cis woman
Been together for 6 months
In unison: It’s not different in a way wherein one is better than the other. It’s more like a whole new experience, sex just hits differently and it’s special that way.
Couple 4:
M, 25 years | Cis man
B, 28 years | NB, Queer
Been together for 2 years | Got married this year
M: It’s different but even if I don’t use toys with my partner, it doesn’t take anything away from the sex. Sure we have a lot of fun using her toys but it’s equally fun to just have a quickie before heading to work in the morning.
B: It is SO DIFFERENT! I am someone who loves foreplay, and with my toys, the fun just goes up and up. I don’t always use it together but when we do, it’s just beyond incredible.
Q3. If you had to give us one story - could be funny, awkward, or racy - about using toys during your partnered experience, what would it be?
Couple 1:
In unison: So, we were at a party and we had packed our massager in this small bag she was carrying cause we were planning to crash at a BnB later that night. And, we had kept the bag on this table where everyone else had kept theirs.
I don’t know how or what happened, her massager got switched on and there was this sudden rumbling and everybody started looking at the bag. S quickly went and claimed the bag, turned the vibrator off and my best friend started laughing, “They’re gonna get some”. And, we did.
Throuple 1:
L, 26 years | Cis woman
K, 25 years | Queer
R, 26 years | Cis man
Been in a polyamorous relationship for over an year
L: I was on this secluded beach in Goa last year. It was pretty late so there was no one around. Me and R had just hooked up after a party and we were just lying there. My place was right around the corner so he walked me home and the next thing I knew, we were intensely making out on my bed and his hand hit something. He thought it was my phone and to his surprise, it was my toy lol. And the next thing he said to me, “Now, that’s just fate”.
R: “Haha, I don’t know, did I?” *smirks*
Q4. How has using toys/vibrators with your partner impacted the following:
i) Intimacy and the love you share
Couple 3:
R: I believe in having shared experiences. Even if I’ve been to the same coffee shop a thousand times before, I will go there again with my partner just so we can have a new memory. Using a vibrator during sex is another such intimate moment wherein we’re experiencing something together and it does bring you close, right? Like you feel more passionate, more caring and more trusting. And so, the love grows stronger and better. That’s how I see it.
ii) Your sex life and mutual pleasure
Couple 2:
R: Initially, I used to think toys are just something you include if you’re going through a rough patch. That notion of ‘reigniting the spark’, and so I used to be apprehensive about using them with a partner, because I felt insecure, as if I am not enough and we need something extra to run our engine.
It took a lot of time, patience, education, affection and vulnerability for me to be able to explore my sexuality and pleasure with my partners using the different toys I or they might have.
iii) Communication and connection
Throuple 1:
In unison: It’s so important to be communicative in a relationship from the get-go. Like, you can’t fully embrace and enjoy sexual experiences, be it with or without a toy, if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your partner.
In fact, we’ve only realized how healthy our communication has been when we’re incorporating vibrators into whatever it is that we are doing. To check in with your partner, ensuring if the speed is okay, if they’re feeling good and what moves work better—all of these aspects are part of the process.
Q5. What is it like seeing your partner in that moment while you’re using the toy on/with them or watching them use it on themselves? Describe in one sentence.
Couple 1:
A: Torn between the urge to just sit and stare or participate!
Couple 2:
S: Happy and horny at the same time, haha!
Couple 3:
M: Even better when his hands are controlling my vibe.
Couple 4:
B: I never saw this side of him before we got married, it’s kind of a turn-on.
Throuple 1:
K: Idk how I got so lucky to see both my partners smashing into one another.
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As welcoming, enriching, exciting, and wonderful the experience of owning, using, and enjoying sex toys with your partner feels, it’s important to bear in mind the following few things in order to make it a healthier one:
- Getting to know each other’s preferences, kinks, fantasies, desires and boundaries, and putting it forth by creating a safe space.
- Ensuring that either of the partners is comfortable with the use of the sex toy, physically and emotionally. Feel free to address any queries or concerns your partner may have.
- While experimenting with toys, safety comes first. Invest in a good water-based lube such as DTF by That Sassy Thing and use condoms on toys to prevent STI transmission.
- Play around with different intensities, techniques, strokes, and positions! After all, it’s all about having the best time of your life!
Now that you have the lowdown, go check out our awesome range of intimate massagers waiting to blow your (and your boo’s) minds!
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About the Author
Anuja (she/her) is our Creator-in-Residence. After exploring all the different ways she could talk about who she identifies as, this is the closest she could get: "I'm your quintessential hoomum with a blue typewriter, living three blocks away, probably writing about you."
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