Let’s be honest — sex toys are just toys. They’re tools for pleasure, exploration, and even healing. But for some people, especially cishet men, they seem to spark existential dread. Like a little buzzing massager is suddenly a challenger to their masculinity. Why?

It’s not really about the toy. It’s about patriarchy (as usual).

The Myth of the Stud and the “One-Man Show”

Patriarchy has long told men that their worth lies in performance, and not just in the boardroom. The bedroom is often framed as a battlefield of dominance, where the “real man” satisfies his partner(s) so thoroughly that nothing else is needed. You’ve heard the tropes:

• “If I’m doing my job right, she won’t need a toy.”
  

• “Aren’t I enough for you?”
  

• “Toys are for single women, not for couples.”
  

There’s an entire cultural fantasy around the man who can “please five women in one night”. You know, the mythical stud. But if a tiny bullet vibrator can outperform your technique in 30 seconds, what does that say about the myth? That it’s probably not built on facts. Just fragile egos.

Toy Isn’t Competing. Are You?

Many men associate pleasure with dominance and control. So when a sex toy enters the scene, especially one shaped like or used on a penis, some internal alarms go off.

Take this Reddit comment from r/sex:

“Girlfriend wants to start using toys and it’s killed my sex drive completely.”

Or this one:

“He really doesn't like that I have so many toys and wants me to get rid of them. He isn't mean or pushy about it, just says he thinks it's too many and I should pare it down to a couple.”

Many men conflate sexual satisfaction with their strength or endurance. So erectile dysfunction (ED), delayed ejaculation, or even just not being able to keep up with a massager’s pace can trigger deep shame. But the problem isn’t the toy — it’s the belief that sex is about performing, not connecting.

Internalized Slut-Shaming: When Women Shame Other Women

What’s even harder to unpack is when women shame each other for using toys. It’s a kind of internalized patriarchy — one where pleasure is still policed.

You’ve probably heard the insults:

• “She must be addicted to it.”
  

• “If you need a vibrator every time, something’s wrong with you.”
  

• “She’s insatiable — not wifey material.”
  

One Redditor in r/AskWomen shared:

“She tells me details unprompted about what her fiancé and she get up to, but acts horrified at the idea of mechanical intervention. It feels like a double standard to me.”

Another user on r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide commented:

“After I talked about my favorite toy in a girls’ group chat, one girl said I was giving ‘desperate and damaged’ vibes. It stung.”

This shaming keeps women from owning their desires — or worse, from even exploring them in the first place.

The Shame Runs Deep — But It’s Not Yours to Carry

Here’s the truth: sex toys aren’t a threat. They’re tools. They don’t replace people; they enhance experiences. They help people with trauma reconnect with their bodies. They help folks with disabilities access pleasure. They help people learn what they like. They even help couples explore together.

If someone feels threatened by a toy, it’s usually not about you. It’s about what they’ve been taught: that masculinity is fragile, that pleasure is a performance, that sex should follow a narrow, heteronormative script.

But we get to rewrite the script.

So, How Do You Unlearn the Shame?

• Start with self-compassion: There’s nothing wrong with using a toy. And there’s nothing wrong with needing one either.
  

• Normalize open convos: Talk to your partner(s) about toys like you would about lube or positions — casually, without fear.
  

• De-center performance: Good sex isn’t a competition. It’s a collaboration.
  

• Call out the shaming: Whether it’s a friend throwing shade or a partner acting weird, name it. Gently, but firmly.
  

• Build toy literacy: The more we learn about pleasure tools, the less mystified (and less threatened) they feel.
  

More From Reddit: The Real-Life Tension

Here’s a candid Reddit confession from r/dating_advice:

“He made it clear to me that it made him uncomfortable. “It would be like me buying a simulator", he said. At the end, he just told me to find someone to sell it off too. That he would never be comfortable with the idea.”

Another from r/relationship_advice:

“He found my toy and started to yell at me, accusing me of 1) being unsatisfied with him (untrue), 2) cheating on him (very untrue), 3) wanting to cheat on him (again, no), and then finally 4) thinking of withholding sex from him? I don’t even get that one.”

Jesus. Just throw the whole man away.

If You're a Man Feeling Threatened — Read This

Let’s be real: a vibrator isn’t a better man. It’s not a man at all. It doesn’t make eye contact, give compliments, laugh at your jokes, cuddle you afterward, or bring snacks. It’s a tool, not a competitor.

If your partner is using a toy, she’s not cheating on you. She’s investing in her own pleasure — which can actually improve your sex life together. Using toys in partnered sex has been shown to increase orgasm rates, communication, and overall satisfaction.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: if a blender doesn’t make you feel insecure about your cooking skills, a massager shouldn’t make you question your worth in bed.

Final Thought

Pleasure Is Power — Don’t Let Shame Steal It
Whether you’re someone who loves your toy collection or someone still hiding your bullet vibe under your mattress, know this — you’re allowed to feel good.

Sex toys aren’t just about climax. They’re about curiosity, exploration, healing, empowerment, and connection. The shame isn’t yours to carry. It’s been passed down through a culture that’s terrified of sexually autonomous people, especially women.

So whether it buzzes, pulses, thrusts, or just looks really damn cute — use it proudly.

About the Author: 

Madhu (she/her) has been an avid reader of all things spicy since her childhood. She writes sassy blog posts and listicles now so that others may benefit from her wholly inappropriate, wholly informative tastes, too.