Alright, my beautiful, sassy, girls, gays, and theys, you’re probably here because you’re wondering if the guy you like, the guy you’re seeing, or the guy you’re even considering marrying is a feminist. 

Because let’s be honest, it’s hard these days to tell whether a guy genuinely cares about equality or just knows the right things to say to make it look like he cares.

And it’s also tricky, right, because there are men who are feminists but also inadvertently fall into the trap of patriarchy! Like Jai from Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na, he’s sweet and caring but he’s also bogged down by the three conditions of “being a man” in his culture. I mean, does beating up another man really make you a man?

And listen, your Aunt Sassy loves that film just as much as any other 90s kid, but let’s be real, even the best-intentioned men falter. 

So, how do you tell if a man is truly a feminist?

Well, we spoke to six women on how they define a feminist man so you can learn to spot a man who truly cares about you and your basic human rights.

A feminist man puts in the work.

Neha, 27, 

TL;DR: A feminist man knows that gender-based society rules are stupid and does everything in his power to make sure you are not affected by it. 

“My current boyfriend is one of the main reasons I know men can be feminists. And I honestly didn’t know how amazing he was until we started living together. This man knows that it’s not the sole responsibility of a woman to run the house, that it takes two people, and every day, he shows it. Whether it’s splitting the chores, running errands, or cooking, he’s always making sure that he’s an equal partner. And when he does slip up, he puts in the extra effort to make sure it never happens again.” 

Neha’s perspective highlights an essential trait in a feminist man: equality. A feminist strives to ensure that the burden of a relationship and running a home doesn’t fall on only one gender; instead, it takes two to thrive. 

He isn’t always a bro’s bro.

Shanelle, 22

TL; DR: Ladies, if he’s not willing to call out his friends on their shady and shitty behaviour, he’s not a true ally. Stay safe, queens! 

“I had the biggest crush on my college bestie, he was so cute and funny and nice. He spoke passionately about being a feminist, and even his actions matched until they didn’t. The day one of his “boys” was accused of sexual harassment, I got to see how much he truly cared. At first, he did and said all the right things that he’ll cut his friend off, he’ll make sure there are consequences, yada yada ya…but days passed and slowly he started defending his friend and telling me shit like ‘Oh, we don’t know what really happened’. It was heartbreaking because it wasn’t like the accused had a spotless record; everyone thought he was creepy with girls. Anyway, I learned an important lesson that day.

Shanelle learnt an important lesson the hard way and shared her experience with us so you don’t need to. While it’s extremely important to make sure the men in your life treat you well, also observe how they treat other women and especially how far they’ll go for their “bro code”. And the further they are willing to go for their boys, the further you should run from them!  

He calls people out on their toxic masculinity.

Sara, 27

TL;DR: A feminist man will fight the patriarchal world in more ways than one. 

“My brother is THE feminist man of the century in my eyes. The first time he hosted us (his family) at his and his wife’s house, he was in the kitchen as long as her, cooking right beside her. And when my father and mother were insulted that she “made him work like this” and passed rude remarks, my brother called them OUTTTT. It was CRAZY cause this man just went off about how no one is going to insult his wife in their home and how their toxic patriarchal values can take a hike. It was insanely inspirational.” 

This man is a GEM. Not only does he work within the patriarchal system to change it, but he’s also calling out those who further it?! Someone pinch us, cause it’s hard to believe this level of a feminist man exists! 

Feminist men don’t stop at nice.

Akshita, 33

TL;DR: Nice guys will finish last if their niceness is performative. 

“Honestly, most guys these days are nice. They know how to talk to women. But just because you're nice doesn’t make you a feminist. A colleague I dated would pull out a chair for me, get the car door for me, proper gentleman vibes, pay for our dates, get me flowers, and listen to me rant about work and life–it was all really sweet and nice. But then my career took off, and suddenly I was making more than him, I was getting recognised for my work more than him, and my god, did he not like that. The nice guy I knew stopped existing in a second. That’s when I knew a real feminist is secure. Not just nice.”

Ohhhh, the tragedy of finding out a nice guy is nice as long as he’s not threatened by you. The fragile male ego has been a topic of great discourse in the recent past, and it seems it will continue to be. Ladies and gays, if he’s not secure enough to root for your success, please uproot yourself and find a better man. You deserve it. 

They have your back. Always.

Shifa, 30

TL;DR: A feminist man doesn’t give a damn what society thinks. 

“On the day of my wedding, right before the ceremony, my father took me aside and told me that no matter what, if I ever felt unsafe in my new home, I should come back home, and he wouldn’t question it. He told me to f*** what others would think and the only thing that mattered was my safety and well-being. I cried because it is rare for a man of his generation and his upbringing to tell his daughter this. I am blessed to have a feminist and ally in my own father.” 

Shifa’s father did what every father in this patriarchal world should do. He told his daughter that he would stand by her, no matter what. He ensured that his daughter knew he would always be a safe space for her, and this is a HUGE thing because women in our country are rarely told they can leave a marriage, no matter how unsafe. Women are constantly told to uphold the sanctity of their marriage and to prioritize it over their well-being. Well, not Shifa, though. Shifa has a father whose superpower is to #notgiveadamnaboutreputation. And for that, he’s mightier than any superhero in our eyes! 

A feminist man is willing to unlearn.

Kritika, 37 

TL;DR: We all know men aren’t the problem; patriarchy is. A true man is willing to learn this and unlearn patriarchal behaviours. 

“I still haven’t met the feminist guy of my dreams. But I have male friends I am proud to introduce to my single girlfriends. I have seen them struggle with patriarchal values like having to provide for a woman and be the “man of the house,” and I have seen how willing they have been to unlearn these toxic ideas and embrace healthier, new-age ones. There aren’t many men who are willing to admit that they were brought up to think of women as inferior, and there are even fewer who are willing to put in the work to change that. So even if he isn’t a perfect ally now, that’s alright, as long as you can see he’s willing to be better every day.” 

Kritika’s perspective is an important reminder that to be a man needs to be an ally to be a feminist. We also need to remember that we are all victims of the society we live in and that a true ally will not only stand by you but will also do their best to correct themselves when they go wrong. Basically, you need to find your Rocky Randhawa, who is willing to learn, no matter how “idiotic” it makes him look. 

These six short, sassy experiences are just a glimpse into what makes, or doesn’t make, a feminist man. Your experience might have taught you the same or different lessons. Maybe you’re more willing to forgive a boy who takes the bro code too far because you also know that this is a boy who can see the error in his ways and change. Maybe you don’t care if a man splits the house chores with you because it’s more important for you that he takes up the sole responsibility in another area of your lives, like, for example, he looks after the finances. Whatever it is, a key feature of a feminist man is that he, in his own way, works to make the world a more equal, caring, and safe place for you and all of womankind. So, if you’ve found a man like that, chances are he’s truly a feminist. 

About the Author:

Vidisha is a screenplay writer who also loves writing occasional blogs. She's smitten by all things funny, sassy, and creative. And has the penchant for cracking the odd joke. She also wrote this bio.